Even though I didn't leave a specific timetable for my hiatus, I really didn't want to be away from regular writing for this long. To make things worse, I didn't want to be away for these specific reasons. Much like last time, I don't want to go in specifics but last week I suffered a bit of a mental breakdown. I've been diagnosed with depression before but have gone without medication or counseling for the past few years. And with the combination of recent events and my general station in life, it came back to bite me in the ass. I'm on the road to getting help but it's going to be a long road. Until then, I guess all I can do is keep myself occupied. I'm going to try to do that via the blog but don't be surprised if I don't post with regularity or if my heart doesn't seem to be in it for a little while yet.
And with that out of the way, it's time for me to ruin the surprise I had been touting for the past month or so.
I had planned to film video blogs (I refuse to call them vlogs, it sounds like something a henchman would utter as Batman and Robin kick his ass en route to stopping King Tut from stealing the Manhattan Project or something) and post them on YouTube. I say "had planned" because I decided not to...at least for now. Why?
The answer is simple really...I'm ugly.
Or at least I think I am. People tell me I'm decent looking but I think they just don't want to hurt my feelings. The fact that I haven't had a decent girl attracted to me for the past 7 years kinda attests to that fact. But seriously, whenever I look in the mirror, I think I look moderately, decently, kinda OK-ish looking. And believe me, I'm not being modest at all, it's taken me years to get to this point. But whenever I see a picture of myself, I think "Oh my god, I look like an asshole!" And I have trouble taking pictures of myself because I feel silly doing it and after multiple tries of trying to get a decent shot, I give up. Although it's not the reason I adopted the guise of Nick Lachey as Sarcasmatron's impromptu mascot, it kinda helps. Anyways, despite all of this, I thought filming videos would work. I'd get to convey my personality better than I would through text and hopefully become a V-list Internet semi-star that like a couple hundred people know. But apparently video acts more like a photo and less like a mirror in my eyes.
I was so nervous doing an introductory video that I had to record in multiple parts and hope to edit them into one somewhat-coherent video later, despite having next to no editing experience. But as I watched the video, I thought "That's not me. I don't look THAT bad...do I?" And the thing is I'm not some obese nerd with a severe case of neckbeard who writes WoW fanfics but I STILL can't get over myself! If I had that Shallow Hal power, only instead of seeing the inner beauty of fat chicks but with myself being the fat chick, I'd get over this hang-up (and probably quite a few other ones) but I don't.
And really, I'd only be doing the YouTube thing for some sort of validation from people I'll probably never meet and therefore don't really care about. I just want an audience. Hell, I'm doing this blog for an audience because I could easily just tell my friends about all of this random stuff (though they don't necessarily get it either) but I'm a lot more comfortable doing this. Unfortunately, people read a lot less these days (seriously, have you seen a text message lately?) and much of their entertainment on the Internet comes from video. I do it myself. I hardly watch TV but I'll load up some videos from Spoony or The Cinema Snob, full-screen that shit, sit back and have a fun. And every time I do, I think "Hell, I'm funny. I could do this!" But the fun I have talking about random stuff with my friends doesn't exactly translate well when I'm trying to do it nervously by myself in front of a video camera. I'm not saying I'll never do it but it's going to take some swallowing of pride and/or alcoholic substances before I get enough courage to really make a go of it.
Also, another surprise I alluded to would be the possibility of joining one of my friend's (the guy who runs the V1kM blog) movie and film podcast as an occasional guest but I've been so out of things lately that I haven't really thought much about it. And even though my heart still isn't 100% into gaming, I will be making appearances on the V1kM podcasts as we start our new game. But I don't even know if our recent Star Wars sessions that I was a part of are even up yet. So there ya go.
Anyway, with all that out of the way, what else have I been up to? Well, I tried watching wrestling last Monday in the second straight week that WWE and TNA went head-to-head but I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention and I just straight-up shut off the TV at about 10:45. The thing is Raw is so boring right now and it shouldn't be this boring, especially considering that Wrestlemania is this Sunday (which by the way I would like to watch but I don't know of anywhere that's playing it right now), so I have to begrudgingly give the edge to Impact. Even though TNA is practically flinging monkey shit at a booking sheet at this point, it's still more interesting than Raw is now. But I missed last week's episode of NXT as that was the night I had my meltdown. I miiiiiiiiiiiiight (and that's a big might) watch it tonight considering TNA had a PPV last night and WWE has Wrestlemania this Sunday but I don't expect to be impressed.
But the weird thing is that I'm REALLY in the mood to watch wrestling right now because Raw is doing a taping at the new Sports Arena in Toledo and I'm going! Even though I've been a wrestling fan all my life, this is literally the first live wrestling show I've been to...and a live TV taping no less! Plus, its the night after a pay-per-view to boot so at least something important should happen (keyword being "should"). Regardless I'm still excited. Feel free to comment on sign ideas so I can get them on TV.
So I mentioned a while back about another video store in the area shutting down so even though there wasn't a lot to choose from then, I went back a few days ago to hopefully find some stuff to watch and get back in the swing of things. I picked up a used copy of WWE Smackdown vs Raw 2010 for the PS2 for $15, effectively negating my desire to pick up the Wii version as they're practically the same. But with the new control scheme (it's new to me as I haven't played since SvR 2006), I'm finding it hard to get back into it. As for movies, I picked up Big Fan (with Patton Oswalt as an obsessed sports fan which has gotten a lot of praise), Blood and Bone (a fighting film starring Michael Jai White whose trailer looked pretty good when I saw it on the Black Dynamite DVD, End Game (a crappy straight-to-video movie with Kurt Angle as a psychotic killer) and Takashi Miike's Dead Or Alive.
Now Dead Or Alive is a movie I've been wanting to see for a long time, considering the fact that I'll watch just about anything that Takashi Miike directs or, at the very least, give it a chance. Now Dead Or Alive is the only one of these DVDs I've watched so far and honestly, I fell asleep a few times during it so I can't really give it a good review. But even if I didn't fall asleep, I can't imagine the movie making much more sense. Miike's movies are pretty out there but I thought Dead Or Alive was going to be a straight-forward Yakuza shoot-em-up flick. I should know by now that Takashi Miike is anything but "straight-forward" but it still caught me off guard. I'll have to give it another watch when I'm fully awake.
As for music, the Dillinger Escape Plan's new album "Option Paralysis" comes out tomorrow and I plan on picking it up. Their video for "Goodbye Mona Lisa" is showing some promise and I still think it'll be in my personal running for Best Album of 2010. I also have Bleeding Through's next album pre-ordered and that's slated to be released in early April. From what little I've heard, it's very thrashy and more aggressive than anything they've done yet so I hope the rest of the album follows suit. And if it does, it could be a dark horse and replace the high expectations I have for the new DEP album. But beyond that, I don't know anything concrete that's coming down the pipeline. Fear Factory released their newest album the same week that HIM released theirs, I believe, and they sound as good as they ever have despite the current line-up changes and lawsuit issues concerning who should control the band's name and such. But as much as they've returned to their old-school sound, my love for Fear Factory has severely waned since my high school and college days when I had them in constant rotation, so much so that I think I traded in all their albums that I owned since then, even their good ones like "Demanufacture" and "Soul of a New Machine". I'd like to give them another chance, especially if they recaptured that sound, but a part of me doesn't want to go back to liking them, instead moving forward and trying to find new things. Ah, the life of an elitist snob...
Well, I guess that's about it for now. I guess I'm gonna try to watch some wrestling before I end up getting bored with it. I don't know what I have planned yet to write in the near future, maybe some of the movie reviews that I had planned on doing on YouTube but I'm still playing things by ear.
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