Even though we're technically still in Spring, I feel that after having seen Kick Ass a few weeks back, the Summer Blockbuster Movie Season has started off already. And surprisingly enough, unlike years past, there are quite a few movies that I actually want to see this Summer. Despite my love for movies, it seems like I make it to the movie theater less and less because Hollywood doesn't crank out a lot of movies I want to see, and even if there is something I want to see, usually it's something not worthy of $10+ for a ticket or something I can wait for the DVD release. Which explains why my "Best Of" list last year only had 5 movies (and 1 Worst Movie), because that's literally all I've seen. The only movie that didn't make the list was Boondock Saints II and that was only because I had seen it after I compiled my list. And really, what other reason would there be for Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li for cracking a "Best Of" list. Luckily, I won't have the problem of putting a crappy (yet enjoyable but for all the wrong reasons) movie on my end-of-year list this year. So I'm going to go through the Summer release schedule week-by-week (according to IMDB, so if I miss something it's their fault) and pick out what movie I personally would like to see and try to predict which movie everyone will go see. But somehow, between those two criteria, I probably won't touch upon what movies are actually WORTH seeing. That's because the general public is stupid yet I still watch crap...just a better kind of crap, I guess. Anyway, let's start with tomorrow night:
April 30th
Please Give (Director: Nicole Holofcener - Starring: Catherine Keener, Oliver Platt)
A Nightmare On Elm Street (Director: Samuel Bayer - Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, A Bunch of Ugly Kids)
Furry Vengeance (Director: Roger Kumble - Starring: Brenden Fraser, Brooke Shields)
The Human Centipede [Limited Release] (Director: Tom Six - Starring: Dieter Laser)
Harry Brown [Limited Release] (Director: Daniel Barber - Starring: Michael Caine, Emily Mortimer)
What I'd See: The Human Centipede - Let me add a big "I Guess" to the end of "What I'd See" because this movie is so wrong that I'm surprised it's even being released in theaters that aren't ones that Pee Wee Herman frequents. You see, The Human Centipede (Subtitle: First Sequence...so maybe there'll be a sequel?) is the story about a mad doctor who decides to create a "human centipede" by connecting human bodies via the digestive tract. If your imagination isn't vivid enough to think of how that's possible, then you should probably thank your imagination. But considering you're reading this via the Internet, I'm sure you could put "Ass" and "Mouth" together...I mean, 2 and 2 together. This is definitely the kind of movie I'd seek out, yet feel dirty and ashamed for watching even by myself (like Ichi The Killer, Cannibal Holocaust, Tokyo Gore Police, etc). So it's the movie equivalent of eating a Double Down, I guess. But still, that's not as bad as the images I get in my head when I hear a movie entitled "Furry Vengeance".
What Everyone Else Is Going To See: A Nightmare On Elm Street - I will admit, despite being produced by Michael Bay, this doesn't look THAT bad, especially compared to the rash of half-assed remakes in past years. It looks like they're sticking true to the original and Jackie Earle Haley should do a great job as Freddie Krueger. But as I saw the most recent trailer before Kick Ass, one thought just repeated through my head: "Why?" They have the infamous bathtub scene and it looks like they're recreating many of the effects from the original. But it rings so true to the original that I'm wondering why a remake is even necessary when they're going to do the exact same movie. Seriously, from the looks of it, the theater should just show a 90 minute reel with the words "Go watch the original right now!" instead. Plus, I'm kinda irked that the lead kid looks like John Mayer as if he existed in the Twilight universe.
May 7th
Iron Man 2 (Director: Jon Favreau - Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Mickey Rourke, Gwenyth Paltrow)
Babies (Director: Thomas Balmes - Starring: ...babies)
Mother And Child [Limited Release] (Director: Rodrigo Garcia - Starring: Naomi Watts, Annette Bening)
Casino Jack and the United States of Money [Limited Release] (Director: Alex Gibney)
What I'd See: Iron Man 2 -This one goes without saying. Other than Kick Ass, Iron Man 2 is really the only big superhero blockbuster movie coming out this Summer. Thankfully, it won't be running against the next installment of the Batman movies so it should be on track to rake in a ton of cash. However, while Iron Man 2 will definitely make more money, I feel that it has to achieve a lot for me to put it over Kick Ass in my personal opinion. Let me explain, the first Iron Man movie was great but really it was carried by Robert Downey Jr.'s awesome portrayal of Tony Stark. Sure, there were a'splosions a'plenty and great CGI effects and all that, but I'd bet it wouldn't be all that great overall if someone other than Downey were in the iron suit. Now, with the sequel, we've already seen how great Downey is in the role so the rest of the movie will have to step up if it wants to be better than the first one. Now, I'm not a huge comic geek so I don't know whether or not Whiplash or Justin Hammer will make good foils for Iron Man/Tony Stark. Though I like me some Mickey Rourke, I feel that he was just signed onto the role to play off of his career resurgence from The Wrestler. However, being as he's one of my favorite underrated actors, I'm much more looking forward to Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer, thinking he would make a great anti-Stark. And while the movie is sure to be filled with action, I'm thinking most of the excitement will come from all of the character name-drops to make the comic nerds mark out in their pants, all to build up to the upcoming Thor, Captain America and The Avengers films in the next few years.
What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Iron Man 2 - Really, there's no contest. The studios were smart to let Iron Man 2 run unopposed because otherwise they would lose some serious money. Seriously, the only movie that's opening in a wide release is a documentary about babies. And no matter how cute babies can be, even they can't compete with an alcoholic in a robot suit blowing shit up. Let's move on.
May 14th
Robin Hood (Director: Ridley Scott - Starring: Russel Crowe, Cate Blanchett)
Letters To Juliet (Director: Gary Winick - Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Gael Garcia Bernal)
Just Wright (Director: Sanaa Hamri - Starring: Queen Latifah, Common)
What I'd See: Just Wright - Queen Latifah is one of the greatest actresses of our generation! Nah, I'm just kidding. There isn't really anything popping out to me this week.
What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Robin Hood - Though it's painfully obvious that Iron Man 2 is going to dominate the box office for the next few weeks, I'm sure enough people will go check out Robin Hood, even though it looks like it should really be titled "Not Gladiator". I may check it out someday but I'm in no rush, especially since I'm not a big fan of Russel Crowe and I think Cate Blanchett is probably the most overrated actress our generation. Nothing against the movie itself, I just prefer my Robin Hoods to be played by either Cary Elwes or an anthropomorphic fox, thank you very much.
May 21st
Shrek Forever After (Director: Mike Mitchell - Starring: Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Eddie Murphy)
MacGruber (Director: Jorma Taccone - Starring: Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Val Kilmer)
Holy Rollers [Limited Release] (Director: Kevin Asch - Starring: Jesse Eisenberg)
What I'd See: MacGruber(?) -Yeah, nothing's really catching my eye this week either. But even though this is a movie about an SNL sketch blatantly ripping off an 80's TV show and the trailer only got one solid laugh out of me (upper deckers FTW), I'm willing to give it a shot someday. But that's mostly because I'd like to see if Jorma Taccone (one-third of the Lonely Island) ends up being any good of a director.
What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Shrek Forever After - Even though the title should be "Shrek Beats A Horse To Death", I see the next installment of the Shrek movies as maybe the first movie to knock Iron Man 2 off of the top spot (though that's a big maybe). I barely remember the third one and even on the giant theater display thingy, Shrek had a look on his face that said "Really? We're still cranking out these movies?" But hey, the kiddies should enjoy it.
May 28th
Prince of Persia: The Sands Of Time (Director: Mike Newel - Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kinsgley)
Sex and the City 2 (Director: Michael Patrick King - Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall)
Micmacs [Limited Release] (Director: Jean-Pierre Jeunet - Starring: Dany Boon)
Survival of the Dead (Director: George A. Romero - Starring: Zombies)
What I'd See: Survival of the Dead - I guess I should consider myself a horror "junkie" as opposed to a horror "nerd", for the simple fact that the "nerds" tended to hate any of the Dead films after Day of the Dead and pretend that they don't exist. I actually enjoyed Land of the Dead and while Diary of the Dead wasn't the greatest, I didn't hate it either. I'm kinda surprised that Romero is going for another installment, not just because I figured that he said what he wanted to with Diary (which was less a zombie movie with a message than it was a message movie with zombies in it) but also because the zombie apocalypse tends to worsen as the movies go on and the situation in Diary looked pretty bleak. I'm not sure it can get any worse or bleaker at this point but hey, I'm not George Romero now am I? In an interesting note, due to it being under the Magnet studio and following their back-assward releasing strategies, Survival of the Dead will actually be available On Demand about a month before the theatrical release, which leaves me to wonder why it's being released in theaters in the first place since the straight-to-DVD scene is like 90% horror movies anyway.
What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Sex and the City 2 - I really wanted to give this nod to Prince of Persia. Judging from the trailer, it's obvious that Disney wants to try to make this the next Pirates of the Caribbean-esque franchise until they can get the next movie out. And all told, it doesn't look that bad if it's serving that specific purpose. But Sex and the City 2 has what Prince of Persia doesn't have: an established audience willing to spend a crapton of money. I mean, seriously, the teaser trailers had just a giant "2" encrusted with diamonds. And don't tell me that people who played the Prince of Persia video games count as an "established audience" because, first of all, I don't really know of anyone that was really asking for a Prince of Persia movie and, secondly, most gamers are used to movie adaptations of their favorite games sucking. From what I've heard, this doesn't really have much to do with the games except they both have to deal with manipulating time and they both take place in the desert. But trust me, I'm hoping I'm proven wrong because I would love nothing more than the Sex and the City franchise (or as I like to call it, "Old Whores) to die a painful death.
June 4th
Killers (Director: Robert Luketic - Starring: Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher)
Get Him To The Greek (Director: Nicholas Stoller - Starring: Jonah Hill, Russell Brand)
Marmaduke (Director: Tom Dey - Starring: Owen Wilson)
Splice (Director: Vincenzo Natali - Starring: Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley)
Ondine [Limited Release] (Director: Neil Jordan - Starring: Colin Farrell)
What I'd See: Splice - This movie kinda got the nod by default considering I knew next to nothing about it. But after watching the trailer just now, I think it could be pretty decent and am kinda surprised that fellow horrorhounds haven't gotten behind it yet. Basically it's about a pair of scientists who experiment with DNA and cloning and the whole thing ends up with them creating a demon baby...thing and the scientists have to decide whether to take care of it even as it grows at an exponential rate and kills everything or, you know, "take care of it" before it grows at an exponential rate and kills everything.
What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Killers - I almost wanted to give this one to Marmaduke not just because I'm sure kids will want to see it but the novelty of Owen Wilson voicing a CGI dog that will probably emote better than he can. Ah, if only it ended like Marley & Me. Anyways, after seeing the trailer for Killers before Kick Ass, I can honestly say that this movie looks so stupid that people will want to go see it. Because Mr. and Mrs. Smith was a decent success a few years ago, it seems that we need about 4 or 5 different "Oh no, hired assassins in a wacky romantic relationship" movies every year. Not to mention that this movie stars two of the most beautiful, yet most annoying, people in the form of Katherine Heigl (who surprisingly didn't cry once during the trailer) and Ashton Kutcher (who I'm surprised even bothers starring in movies when he could spend the rest of his life living off of Demi Moore), I'm sure this will be a great date movie. And for once, I'm glad that I rarely go on dates.
June 11th
The A-Team (Director: Joe Carnahan - Starring: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper)
The Karate Kid (Director: Harald Zwart - Starring: Jackie Chan, Will Smith's Kid)
Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work [Limited Release] (Director: Ricki Stern and Anne Sundberg - Starring: ...some old lady)
What I'd See: The A-Team - Much like most of the movies I want to see this Summer, The A-Team looks to be chock full of pure unadulterated awesome. The A-Team itself looks to be cast to perfection with Liam Neeson as Hannibal, Bradley Cooper as Face and MMA fighter Quentin "Rampage" Jackson as B.A. Baracus. And even though I have no idea who Sharlto Copley is, he looks like he could make a good Murdock as well. Add to that the smoking hot Jessica Biel, the vintage theme song, B.A.'s van and a freakin' parachuting tank, this could give Iron Man 2 a run for its money in the action department.
What Everyone Else Is Going To See: The A-Team - The bitter cynic in me want to pick The Karate Kid but I don't think this remake will get by on nostalgia value alone. The whole movie looks like Will Smith's desperate plea to get us to give a crap about his son, not to mention I feel like Jackie Chan is continuing to undermine his own legacy with the whole "I HAVE to be a good guy, even if it means starring in crappy American movies" thing he has going on. If I want to see Jackie Chan in a movie with a kid, I'm going to pop in Robin B. Hood, which was actually quite awesome. Even though The A-Team looks awesome, it also has its "dumb" moments (once again, a parachuting tank, how does that work?) which can be construed to be "epic", being able to capture the general public AND the action junkie demographic.
June 18th
Toy Story 3 (Director: Lee Unkrich - Starring: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen)
Jonah Hex (Director: Jimmy Hayward - Starring: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich)
I Am Love [Limited Release] (Director: Luca Guadagnino - Starring: Tilda Swinton)
What I'd See: Jonah Hex: - I know I'm going to get massive amounts of hate for this. So let me say this: I probably WILL see Toy Story 3. I just want to give Jonah Hex some love too because I'm sure it's going to get overshadowed, not just by Toy Story 3 this week but also due to Iron Man 2 being THE comic book movie of the summer. Though I know next to nothing about the comic and it's story, I've been pretty psyched as things have been announced. The cast looks to be solid, it has the potential to be a great Western action movie and, most of all, Mastodon is doing the score. Ok, so I'm probably the only one here that cares about that particular tidbit but still, I'm tempted to see how that's all gonna play out.
What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Toy Story 3 - C'mon, it's Toy Story 3. Tell me you won't see this, I dare you. Pixar rarely, if ever, disappoints. And from recent early reports, it will have you bawling like a baby just like Up! did (which I actually haven't seen yet). If any movie is going to beat Iron Man 2's haul, it's gonna be Toy Story 3.
June 25th
Grown Ups (Director: Dennis Dugan - Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, David Spade, Rob Schneider derp de derp)
Knight And Day (Director: James Mangold - Starring: Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz)
What I'd See: Neither - Chances are if I saw Toy Story 3 the previous week, I'd be watching Jonah Hex this week.
What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Knight And Day - Remember how I said that there's multiple "hitmen in love" movies per year? Well, this is the OTHER movie of that kind to come out this Summer. But unlike Killers, this one looks to be more action-oriented than stupid-date-night-comedy. Of course, that doesn't mean it'll be any good, I'm just saying. Grown Ups is a definite contender due to the draw of Adam Sandler (and apparently Paul Blart: Mall Cop). But since this movie looks more like Happy Gilmore's Midlife Crisis or if the '90s cast of SNL parodied Wild Hogs, I'm not really sure if people want to see Adam Sandler and Co. "grown up". The box office performance of last year's Funny People proved that much.
Alrighty, considering how long this is going and I'm only just now getting to July, I feel it's best to split this in half. I'll continue on with July and August in a few days, if not tomorrow. Until then, I leave you with this thought:
"Do fish have dreams?"
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