A Look At The 2010 Summer Movie Season - Part 2

Before I start looking at the movies opening in July and August, I will say that I actually did go to the theaters last night.  And what did I see?  Well it wasn't The Human Centipede since there were no places near me playing it.  And it wasn't Nightmare On Elm Street because reviews haven't been kind (going so far as someone from the New York Times saying "this is why your generation sucks", which is a statement I need to make more often).  Surprisingly, the only person I've found that actually liked the Elm Street remake was The Cinema Snob.  I usually trust his opinion so I may check it out on DVD someday but I'm in no rush.  So what did I see?  Kick Ass.  Yup, for a second time.  And it was just as awesome as I remembered it.  I rarely go see a movie in theaters more than once.  The only movies I can remember going to see twice were Spider-Man and Jackass: The Movie.  Other than Nightmare on Elm Street and Kick Ass, the only real option presented to my friends and I was The Losers.  I was pretty psyched up to see The Losers a few weeks ago but Kick Ass looked so much better, even when presented with the decision of going to see it a second time.  And with opinions ranging from "Don't bother" to "Pretty good", with no one saying "OH MY GOD! You have to see this movie right now!", I figured I can wait until DVD.  I'm pretty psyched for Iron Man 2 next weekend and would like to see it in IMAX but I think the only IMAX theater near me is in Detroit.  And who wants to go to Detroit?

Anyway, let's dive back in, starting with July:

July 2
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Director: David Slade - Starring: A drooling, dead-behind-the-eyes wench, Scrawny McSparkles, A set of ab muscles)
The Last Airbender (Director: M. Night Shyamalan - Starring: Noah Ringer, Nicola Peltz)
Twelve (Director: Joel Schumacher - Starring: Chace Crawford, Emma Roberts)

What I'd See: The Last Airbender - Honestly, I know next to nothing about the Avatar series, but I have friends that are big fans that are looking forward to this one.  But I'm sure they have reservations considering who's behind the camera.  As long as M. Night Shamwow doesn't throw in one of his trademark running jokes twists, where suddenly by the end, we realized we were watching a Go-Bots movie all along...wait a minute, I'd probably watch that.

What Everyone Else Is Going To See: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse -  Come on, really?  It seems like just yesterday that I was ragging on New Moon.  (Actually it was just yesterday as I had dropped by Best Buy, seen the DVD cover and remarked to my friends "There is nothing on here that I don't want to punch.")  Even the Saw movies have the decency to wait a freaking year before releasing the next one, and they've already oversaturated the market.  Do we really need a new Twilight movie every nine months?  You know, as much as it pisses me off, I can deal with the fact that the Twilight movies ruin the classic mythos of horror creatures, turning vampires into anorexic Calvin Klein models and werewolves into gay porn stars.  (I still won't forgive them for the whole "sparkling" gimmick, though.)  But what pisses me off the absolute most about the Twilight series is the way it demeans women, portraying them as over-emotional yet expressionless drooling robots who fall for nothing but either manipulative psychos or muscles.  And you'd think after a series of books and three movies that women would finally stand up and take notice.  But no, they fall for it hook, line and sinker!  I never thought I'd say this but the Twilight series is more stereotypical and demeaning than Sex and the City.

July 9
Despicable Me (Director: Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud - Starring: Steve Carell, Kristen Wiig, Jason Segel)
Predators (Director: Nimrod Antal - Starring: Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, Danny Fucking Trejo Esq.)
The Kids Are Alright [Limited Release] (Director: Lisa Cholodenko - Starring: Annette Bening, Julianne Moore)
Cyrus [Limited Release] (Director: Jay and Mark Duplass - Starring: John C. Reilly, Marisa Tomei, Jonah Hill)

What I'd See: Predators - I'm sure everyone's knee jerk reactions to remakes kicked in when this was announced but it's actually a sequel (hopefully to Predator 2 and not the Aliens vs Predator series).  It's being produced by Robert Rodriguez, who I'm sure wouldn't attach his name to a crappy product, and from the looks of it, it just looks like a gang of stereotypes (a Yakuza guy, a Russian guy, Danny Trejo) with guns hunting Predators.  What's not to love about that?

What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Predators - I probably would've given this to Despicable Me, considering it's a CGI animation kids movie, though it'll definitely be overshadowed by Toy Story 3 and Shrek Forever After.  But the thing is no one really knows anything about it.  I saw a teaser trailer for it last year and it looked pretty funny and had a great voice cast.  But I haven't heard anything about it since.  Where's the marketing for this one?  This is going to be like Astro Boy where no one realized it even existed until it's already been out in theaters for a week or two.  But really, all the dumbasses are going to still watch Twilight this weekend so why am I even bothering?

July 16
The Sorcerer's Apprentice (Director: Jon Turteltaub - Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Monica Bellucci)
Inception (Director: Christopher Nolan - Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Ellen Page)

What I'd See: The Sorcerer's Apprentice - Sir Nicolas Cage as a sorcerer?  I'm sold.

What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Inception - I don't know how the mainstream hype is going for this one (I haven't heard of it until now) but I'm sure the fact that it's Christopher Nolan's first film since The Dark Knight is going to carry it a long way.  Not to mention adding Leonardo DiCaprio as the lead and much of The Dark Knight crew tagging along behind the scenes, I'm sure it'll make a respectable showing in the box office, though probably not earning the kind of money The Dark Knight did.

July 23
Salt (Director: Philip Noyce - Starring: Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber)
Dinner For Schmucks (Director: Jay Roach - Starring: Steve Carell, Paul Rudd)
Ramona and Beezus (Director: Elizabeth Allen - Starring: Joey King, Selena Gomez)

What I'd See: Dinner For Schmucks - Paul Rudd has been on a respectable roll between Role Models and I Love You, Man and I'll give the man a shot in just about any movie he's in.  I'm not the hugest Steve Carell fan but he's playing the kind of role he plays best: someone so socially inept that he's borderline retarded.  Add in Zach Galifianakis and you could have the sleeper comedy hit of the summer.

What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Salt - Though movies like Dinner For Schmucks usually make respectable money, they usually fall to something either more popular or with a bigger budget.  And though I didn't know much about Salt before now, I can see it falling behind a spy-action movie starring Angelina Jolie (which, after watching the trailer just now, actually looks pretty good).

July 30
Get Low [Limited Release] (Director: Aaron Schnieder - Starring: Robert Duvall, Bill Murray, Sissy Spacek)
Charlie St. Cloud (Director: Burr Steers - Starring: Zac Efron, Kim Basinger)
I Love You Philip Morris [Limited Release] (Director: Glenn Ficarra and John Requa - Starring: Jim Carrey, Ewan McGregor)
Beastly (Director: Daniel Barnz - Starring: Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens, Mary-Kate Olsen)
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (Director: Brad Peyton - Starring: Bette Midler, Chris O'Donnell)

What I'd See: I Love You Philip Morris - Wow, this is not a good week for movies.  Everything is either a teen/kid's movie or in limited release.  Despite the draw of seeing a dog with attached jet wings on the poster for Cats & Dogs, I gotta go with I Love You Philip Morris.  Basically, Jim Carrey is a con man who goes to jail and falls in love with his cellmate Ewan McGregor so they start a new life of conning people and being gay together.  Though my description doesn't do it justice (obviously), seeing the trailer makes me think that Carrey has pinned down the mixture of funny and serious that he's been trying to achieve for so long.  Plus, gay Obi-Wan Kenobi FTW.

What Everyone Else Is Going To See: I Love You Philip Morris - Considering this is the only movie with any sort of hype surrounding it right now due to the fact that major studios won't carry it (because OH NO!  GAYS!), I'm sure there are plenty of people willing to seek this out where ever it's playing, to the point where it'll probably make enough money to warrant a little bit wider of a release.  And I'm sure Hollywood is willing to put aside it's BS "values" in the sake of making more money.

August 6
The Other Guys (Director: Adam McKay - Starring: Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg)
Step Up 3-D (Director: John Chu - Starring: Sharni Vinson, Rick Malambri)
Mao's Last Dancer [Limited Release] (Director: Bruce Beresford - Starring: Chi Cao, Bruce Greenwood)

What I'd See: Step Up 3-D - At first, I picked this as a joke.  Stuff like this is what's going to kill the 3-D fad (hopefully), and if it doesn't, then Jackass 3-D will.  But the more I thought about it, the more I thought it's not that bad of an idea.  Seriously, it's hot chicks wearing tight pants dancing...in 3-D.  Don't tell me that movies like Honey and Make It Happen wouldn't be awesome in 3-D.  Great.  Now I have to change my pants.

What Everyone Else Is Going To See: The Other Guys - When I first heard about this movie, I was pretty psyched at the inclusion of Samuel L. Jackson and The Rock as a pair of cops that everyone else at the police station idolizes.  But when I saw the trailer, I realized it was called "The Other Guys" and not "The Guys".  And it pretty much just looks like a movie where Will Ferrell screams a lot.  I want to say I like Will Ferrell but it seems like every movie just wants to capture that magic that Anchorman had, and I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.  But if they do a spinoff with Samuel L. Jackson and The Rock, I'm so there.

August 13
Eat Pray Love (Director: Ryan Murphy - Starring: Julia Roberts, Javier Bardem)
Scott Pilgrim vs The World (Director: Edgar Wright - Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead)
The Expendables (Director: Sylvester Stallone - Starring: A Giant Pile of Testosterone and C-4)

What I'd See: The Expendables - Never before have I seen a movie where the selling point is just how manly the cast is.  Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Randy Couture with Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger having cameos.  Really, if you have a penis, there's no excuse for not seeing this movie.  Plus, since Stallone is directing, it's probably going to be just as awesome as the new Rambo movie was.  However, I do have some reservations after seeing the trailer.  Sure, I can deal with Stallone, Statham and Li getting the spotlight since they're the leads and Rourke is acting like the Charlie to their Angels.  But then they show off Bruce Willis and Ah'nuld when they only have cameos, leaving me to believe that the likes of Dolph and Stone Cold are going to be nothing more than glorified redshirts.  Oh well, it'll still be awesome.

What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Scott Pilgrim vs The World - I'm going to go out on a limb with this one, even though I'm probably wrong.  I just wanna talk about Scott Pilgrim for a second.  Apparently, people on the Internet are psyched up for this, even though I've never heard of it until now.  That's mostly due to the devout following of the indie comic it's based on, where a slacker has to vie for his crush's affection by defeating her superpowered exes.  At first, I wrote this off for the sole fact that it's Michael Cera in the title role (as Scott Pilgrim, not as The World) since he has a severe case of Owen Wilson Syndrome (Diagnosis: Playing himself in every single movie).  But when I found out Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who has a severe case of cuteness) is playing the crush and Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) is directing, in addition to the concept, I think it's worth a shot.  But I'm totally discounting Eat Pray Love, who will probably beat both Scott Pilgrim and The Expendables by pandering to the "Old Snooty People Who Only Watch Heartwarming Oscar Contenders" demographic.

August 20
Takers (Director: John Luessenhop - Starring: Matt Dillon, Paul Walker)
Nanny McPhee Returns (Director: Susanna White - Starring: Emma Thompson, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ralph Fiennes)
The Switch (Director: Josh Gordon and Will Speck - Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman)
Lottery Ticket (Director: Erik White - Starring: Bow Wow, Brandon T. Jackson)

What I'd See: Nothing - Nope.  Not even Lottery Ticket, which looks like Blank Check meets The Barbershop.

What Everyone Else Is Going To See: The Switch - When I read the plot synopsis on IMDB and couldn't get through the first sentence because it read "An unmarried 40-year-old woman (Aniston)", I knew there were plenty of people going to see this movie.  But then I actually did finish the sentence, which ended with "...turns to a turkey baster to get pregnant."  Um, what?  And apparently Jason Bateman swapped the turkey baster sperm with his own.  So I guess it's like generic feel-good female "comedy" mixed with Arrested Development?  Well, at least half of it might be good.

August 27
Pirahna 3-D (Director: Alexandre Aja - Starring: Elisabeth Shue, Richard Dreyfuss)
Happythankyoumoreplease [Limited Release] (Director: Josh Radnor - Starring: Josh Radnor, Malin Akerman)
Going The Distance (Director: Nanette Burstein - Starring: Drew Barrymore, Justin Long, Ron Livingston)
The Last Exorcism (Director: Daniel Stamm - Starring: Patrick Fabian, Ashley Bell)
Centurion [Limited Release] (Director: Neil Marshall - Starring: Michael Fassbender, Dominic West)

What I'd See: Pirahna 3-D - See, now THIS is how you use the 3-D fad to your advantage!  Don't just take a random movie and add crappy 3-D effects to it just because Avatar made a metric shit-ton of money.  Make a movie that hearkens back to the "glory days" of 3-D (if they ever existed) and make it fun, not just to leech off of a trend.  Plus with Alexandre Aja behind the camera, there should be a fair share of legit horror moments instead of cheap jump scares.  Though I still haven't seen Mirrors and don't really intend to anytime soon, High Tension is considered a modern classic (despite the twist at the end) and his remake of The Hills Have Eyes was one of the few horror remakes that wasn't completely useless and unwarranted (though I can't say the same for the sequel). 

What Everyone Else Is Going To See: Going The Distance - People love their stupid romantic comedies, especially ones starring Drew Barrymore.  Really, does Drew NOT do romantic comedies anymore?  I can't wait until she teams up with Jennifer Aniston for one!  Throw in Meg Ryan and Diane Keaton and it would be like The Expendables, only with vaginas.