Enter a goon with a fuzzy hat and goggles.
I don't really like using Sarcasmatron as a personal forum as I want people to laugh and be entertained. I have done personal blogs for people to read but 1) It doesn't solve any of my problems and 2) No one gives a crap. This will probably be the most personal entry on here but I feel it fits as it does have to deal partly with the entertainment industry. So gather 'round as I tell the tale about how I almost-kinda-sorta-didn't-really get on The Pick-Up Artist.
If you don't know, The Pick-Up Artist was a show on VH1 where a professional pick-up artist that goes by the name of Mystery, along with a few of his cohorts, who helps out hapless nerds/geeks/nice guys in general attract women and gain confidence in themselves; two MAJOR faults that I have. At first glance, it seems like BS or exploitation, especially when you realize the guys on the show are taking help from guys that look like this:
I mean, really? Even though I'm in the prime demographic, even I thought this was some sort of gimmicky crap. But as I watched, I found out that Mystery was a decent guy wearing a douchebag's uniform. Whatever attracts the ladies, right? Mystery spoke as a guy who's been there and genuinely wanted to help these guys out. And I needed that kind of help in my life. I needed a way to break myself down and rebuild myself up as something better. So I was hoping that the first season took off so that I could possibly get on Season 2. Then one lonely night on a whim, I was looking around on the Internet to find that VH1 was doing an online competition for a spot on the next season. But I need to repeat: A spot, as in ONE spot, competing against thousands of guys in the same position as myself getting votes in any way possible. Even though I signed up about a week or two after the competition started, I was pretty far behind as a few of the other guys' votes counts were already in the thousands.
That's where some of my message board connections came in, one board in particular. I'm not going to name the site, not in an attempt to protect their identities or anything but just because I don't want to give them any publicity, as if I could generate it. You see, I had also gone to them for help prior to this, which ended up being 100+ page thread about my virginity and my inability to attract women. The thing is, out of the 30-40 or so people that passed through that thread, I could probably count on one hand the amount of people who actually tried to give me genuine help. The rest of them just made fun of me, which was fine. Hell, I grew up with a last name that included a slang word for "penis" so I'm completely used to it. But I had to end up leaving that place after a while when one of the forum users said that she would visit and have sex with me in a couple years, even if it meant cheating on her paraplegic husband, just as long as I went to medical school and did something with my life.
Yep. Believe me, I'm pretty creative but I couldn't make that shit up if I tried.
Anyway, me being me, I had to go and ruin it the next day (after which she revealed she was drunk and probably wouldn't have done it anyway) so I left that forum embarrassed. By the time The Pick-Up Artist competition rolled around, I had been away for a good 6-9 months, if not a year. But I honestly could not think of another way to generate votes to get me in the running. Hell, they had managed to vote another forum-goer into the premiere of Snakes On A Plane, all at the cost of a SoaP tattoo and a permanent reminder of a glorified Internet meme scarring your body. And considering I had less pride and dignity than him, this was pretty much a no-brainer. So I went back with my tail between my legs and started a new thread in the hopes that they would help me out.
And they did, even if only for a possibility of a cheap plug for the forum on TV. With their help, I had managed to get pretty far in the running over the next month or so, all the way up to FIFTH PLACE! Fifth out of at least a thousand people, if not a couple thousand, is very impressive. But the reason I didn't crack fifth place was because the jump from fifth to fourth was pretty big and the leap from fourth to third was even bigger. You see, even before I joined the competition, the top three spots were dominated by the same three people who generated so many votes that I swear they had programmed bots for that very purpose. I actually talked to the guy in third place a few times, since he was from Ann Arbor and I'm living in Toledo, and he was actually a pretty cool guy. But he ended up actively dropping out of the competition due to how shoddily it was run. More on that later. The second place guy I'm not even sure if he was ever in active competition as all of his information was up before I even joined and it never changed, despite some of the requirements as the weeks went on demanded that you post new pictures or new videos. But no, he only ever had one picture, one video and half-assed responses to questions, yet he was still in second place with the amount of votes he was somehow getting despite not participating, so many that he even got in first place a few times. But the first place guy was the worst of all because the reason he got so many votes was due to him running a website on how to pick up girls. Think about that for a second. A guy who runs a website telling people how to pick up girls is auditioning for a reality show about guys wanting to pick up girls but can't. To me, that's like a guy with the ability to walk coming across a guy in a wheelchair and saying "Boy, isn't it great to have fully-functioning legs so you can walk or run anywhere you want? Hey cripple, get up, you're in my seat." And the reason he was getting so many votes was because he had so many followers to his website. So yeah, he was a mega-douche. Even in his videos, he admitted that he can pick up chicks, "just not the ones I want". What about those of us that can hardly do that? Plus he had the audacity to compare himself to Paul Rudd in the "Which celebrity do you most identify with?" question. It's been a while but just talking about him makes me want to kick him in the soul again.
It was going to be tough going but I figured if I stayed the course, kept generating votes and giving them new content in the form of interview videos, I'd have a good chance. Hell, even in fifth place I already made it further than I ever thought I would. For the first time in a long time, I actually had hope that I would get somewhere. In the meantime, I talked to a lot of cool guys that were also in the running, whether it was on the site or in emails. In fact, a select few of us (I'd say 15-20) were contacted by the casting agency and encouraged to send in legit casting tapes. Oddly enough, the deadline for tape redemption was about a week after the email was sent so you better believe I sent that out as fast as I could. That night, I went over to a friend's place to borrow his camera, filmed the video the day after then Next-Day Fed-Ex'd that shit. Between a good showing on the website for one spot and submitting a casting tape for another, I thought things were looking up. Hell, I even had a fan on the website! I don't even have fans on here yet! For all I know, it could've very well been one of the forum goers masquerading as a cute Asian chick that propositioned me for a night spent by her cooking spicy Asian food for me but it was nice to be noticed for once. So if you're actually out there somewhere, AnneKnoying, let me know.
Of course, as good as things were going, they fell apart just as quickly. In this case, it was no fault of my own but the general ineptitude of VH1 and/or whoever they had commissioned to run the website. At the end of Round 1 (which lasted a month), they had sent out a notice that the filming schedule had been bumped up to take place earlier so Rounds 2 and 3, which were supposed to take place over the course of the next month, ended up being condensed to the span of a week. Worse yet, we couldn't answer any of the Round 2 and 3 questions that we were supposed to as they had never programmed the entries into the profile template. So some of us more creative types ended up just typing the questions and answers in with our Round 1 questions so that we would still be in consideration, in addition to filming the required videos for Rounds 2 and 3. A few days later, we got some good news as they had sent out another notice, saying that all of the vote counts would be reset for Round 3, meaning that everyone now had a fair shot. Unfortunately, they never did this so nothing ever changed. Due to this incompetence, VH1 had decided to add a Round 4 but that only the Top 3 spots would go on. Unfortunately, due to such short notice, I only had about an hour and a half to garner 1500 votes to put me in third place. Things were looking bleak but I sent out a call urging everyone I knew to vote as much as possible. I tried to play things fair, encouraging everyone to only vote once a day as per the rules, but at this point I didn't care. I had to get on the show. Of course, they had to finally screw everyone over by choosing the Top 3 an hour before their supposed deadline, meaning that by the time I had sent out that notice to everyone that I knew online to vote, the competition was already over. At least it was over for me.
So Round 4 started and we were urged to vote for which of the Top 3 would get on the show but I was so angry and bitter by how they mishandled everything that I didn't participate and I know I wasn't the only one. In fact, when I talked to the guy from Ann Arbor who held on to his 3rd place spot to congratulate him and wish him luck onto getting the show, he was like "You know what, I don't care if I win or not. This competition sucked and screwed over a lot of good guys so I'm not going to pander for votes anymore." So it was down to Douchey McAsshole, Sir Does-Nothing and the cool guy from Ann Arbor. Thankfully, they ended up doing something right and in the end picked the guy from Ann Arbor. If any of you watched Season 2 of The Pick-Up Artist, it was Kevin. Unfortunately, he was eliminated from the show in Episode 2 so he didn't make it far. But at least he made it. Also, someone else who made it was Rian, who I talked to a little bit via email when we found out when we were part of the few that were asked to send in casting tapes. He had tried getting on Beauty and the Geek before and while he didn't get on that show, they gave him a chance with The Pick-Up Artist and he made it on the show, going far as the Final Four of the contestants.
All told, I was very angry and very bitter at the way things went, to the point that I refused to watch the show or talk about it much lest I be reminded of it. Of course, I ended up watching a few of the episodes (especially when the scenes getting played on The Soup due to the antics of Brian) later on, if only to pick up some pointers. But yeah, I was pretty depressed at the end of it all. It may sound a bit corny or cliche but I can't remember a time where I wanted anything more in my whole life. Worse yet, I've never come that close to succeeding at something. That combination gave me a little something called "hope", which helps guys like me less than it does harm. I kinda knew beforehand but after that whole experience, I've learned not to get my hopes up because, more often than not, you don't get what you truly want out of life. It's like Marcellus Wallace telling Butch in Pulp Fiction: "That's just pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps." Believe me, I've had hope fuck with me more than I'd like, but for some stupid reason I keep listening to it, only to get let down in the end.
When it was all over, friends were trying to console me by asking if I'd really like to end up as some douchebag that has to wear a fuzzy hat to get girls. This happened in early 2008 so it's almost been two years, so I've had plenty of time to think about it. And honestly...yeah, I would. Even if I made it onto the show only to get eliminated in the first episode, at least I'd have made it. Yeah, I'd be pissed if I was eliminated but I've never gotten that far in anything in my life. I've gone pretty much unrecognized, ignored, passed over all my life and it's getting old, to the point where I'm actually getting used to it and can't imagine a life where I'd actually be an important person that someone could care about. And if it takes mascara and a pair of goggles to do that, I'd do it. But I'm too stubborn to give up who I am and what I believe in, even if I'm nobody important and I don't really believe in anything. So I'm stuck with just being me, trying to get through a life of unimportance one day at a time.
Anyway, last I heard VH1 wasn't interested in doing a third season as they wanted to reach a female demographic...which makes absolutely no sense to me. "Hey ladies, check out what this guy who has no idea how to please you has to do just to get you to notice him. Tune in next week!" There was a possibility that Spike was interested in picking it up but the last time I heard this was early last year, so I wouldn't be surprised if The Pick-Up Artist is dead in the water, along with my chances for professional help.
Yeah, I still think about what could've been and yeah, it still pisses me off at times. But I'm trying to make things work. I've been reading books and such in an attempt to fix myself and make myself more presentable. But my way of thinking is so ingrained that I don't know if it could be fixed short of a full-on lobotomy. The way I see it, I hardly make enough money to support myself, let alone be able to sink the money required to change myself and get girls to notice me. And I'm not willing to hook up with someone I don't have feelings for or care about just to be with somebody, so there's a good chance that I could spend my life alone. All I'm trying to do is deal with that fact and hope to change it someday down the line.
With that said, Happy Valentine's Day! If you're spending today with someone you love, at least keep in mind how fortunate you are.
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