#10) The Expendables
Seriously, I wish I saw one more movie this year just so I wouldn't have to put The Expendables on this list. I can't remember being more disappointed in anything in recent years as much as this. I went into The Expendables thinking it would be the manliest action film of all time. And sure, people get killed and shit gets blow'd up but whenever people aren't getting killed and shit isn't getting blow'd up, literally NOTHING HAPPENS! To take a line from Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, a MUCH better movie that ironically ran head-to-head with The Expendables and got trounced at the box office, I wanted to pee out of boredom. I'm not joking. I never go to the restroom during movies in fear that I would miss something, but I almost went just to kill some time. I'm sure The Expendables could be filed away as a case of high expectations, as that mine could have been so high that nothing the movie did could ever meet it. But it was almost like they didn't even bother trying. None of the characters came close to being interesting, the action was outclassed by other movies in 2010 (as you'll soon read) and the plot was as predictable as could be. I'm not expecting high art with movies like this, but I do expect to enjoy myself. I didn't. If they do a sequel, they really just need to clone Dolph Lundgren multiple times to make up the cast as he was far and away the only interesting person in an ensemble cast that should have done better. Well, I guess Terry Crews having a shotgun that shoots explosions was kinda cool. And Mickey Rourke had a pretty good dramatic dialogue that was ultimately wasted in a movie like this. Also, in the ultimate case of typecasting, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin punches a woman. But that's about it.
#9) The A-Team
See, now The A-Team is a prime example of how mindless, blow-em-up action should be done. Nowhere is this more evident than near the end of the film before the climactic action sequence, where Liam Neeson's Hannibal says "Overkill is underrated". I've heard some people say that The A-Team is stupid, to which I reply "Damn right it is!" Come on, there's a tank parachuting through the air with it's downward descent being controlled by blasts from the tank's cannon. If you don't think that's awesome, then obviously The A-Team and movies of it's kind in general just aren't for you. It was a blast to see in the theater and I was surprised how good everyone was in their roles. But in the end, the main reason that its so low on my list is because its not all that memorable. I enjoyed The A-Team but honestly, by the end of the next week, I had all but forgotten that I had even seen it. Unfortunately, it bombed at the box office so I doubt we'll ever get a franchise out of the thing, but I'm hoping it'll find its audience on video. As loud and explodey as it was in the theater, The A-Team is a pretty good movie to throw in, sit down and just plain shut your brain off.
#8) Machete
Much like The A-Team, Machete has itself firmly planted in the "fun but ultimately forgettable" category. However, because of the "Grindhouse" feel and the fact that I'm a fan of Robert Rodriguez's films more often than not, it appealed to me just a bit more. Danny Trejo makes for a good action lead, despite the fact that he has about as much dialogue in Machete as he did Predators, where he was the first one in the cast to die. But as good as Danny Trejo is as a blade-flinging ambassador of "La Raza", the bad guys are just that much better. Jeff Fahey steals the show as the main baddie who frames Machete (and literally crucifies Cheech Marin with the help of Sex Machine). Robert DeNiro could be accused of "slumming it" with material such as this but he brings enough to the role of his corrupt politician without it being just a ripoff of George W. Bush (which it totally is). And Steven Seagal swings around a samurai sword with the worst Mexican accent ever, but that's why we love him. Hell, even Don Johnson makes an appearance in a role that I wish would've boosted his career back up. Just a suggestion for Robert Rodriguez, though. If you do Machete 2, please don't bring back Lindsay Lohan. Not unless she's willing to clean herself up and not play herself. Or, at the very least, willing to show her boobs this time. I guess this can go for Jessica Alba too. If you're not willing to either learn how to act or get naked, then what else are you supposed to do?
#7) Predators
Noticing a trend here? Yeah, I'm getting the simple action flicks out of the way fast. Again, nothing groundbreaking here but Predators is great fun between alien hunters and their non-consenting human prey. Sure, Predators pays "homage" to the original film so much that it pretty much rips off the end line-for-line, but there's enough action leading up to it that you just won't care. Of course, there are plenty of awesome things that happen, like a fight between a Predator and a Yakuza. And someone calling the Predator a "space faggot". And officially declaring every day at 5:00 PM as "Bitch Rapin' Time". But I think Predators biggest feat was turning Adrien Brody into a credible action star badass. I've always known him as the skinny guy with the giant nose who'd star in "heartfelt" pretentious indie movies like The Darjeeling Limited so when I heard he was cast, I didn't have much hope for him, and this is coming from someone who thought Heath Ledger had a good chance as The Joker from the get-go. But then Brody got a six-pack and a gravely Solid Snake voice and that totally changed my mind about him. The only that would make him even more manly is if he changed his first name to "Bruiser" and started taping razorblades to his fingertips. Anyways, I'm getting off-track. Predators is good. Go watch it...Space Faggot!
#6) Iron Man 2
If it weren't for The Expendables, I'd be tempted to consider Iron Man 2 as the most disappointing movie of the year. Honestly, it wasn't boring like The Expendables and my expectations weren't quite as high, so it wasn't all bad. But to me, Iron Man 2 didn't even compare to the first one. I kinda expected Iron Man 2 to be a giant teaser for the upcoming Avengers movie, and I was right. But I didn't expect the movie to be so focused on Tony Stark. And that wouldn't be much of a problem if Tony Stark was as awesome as he was in the first movie, but this time around, I just wasn't feeling it. At least not when he was sober. I can kinda understand factoring the whole alcoholism storyline, as in many ways Tony Stark's worst enemy is himself. But if that's the case, why have any bad guys at all? To me, a superhero is only as good as his rogues gallery. But with Iron Man 2, I was getting flashbacks of Spider-Man 3, only not that bad. Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell did such great jobs that they really deserved more screentime. And I think it's pretty telling that Iron Man's greatest fight (and arguably best action sequence in the movie) isn't against Justin Hammer's squadron of robots and it sure as hell isn't the final fight with Whiplash where he goes out like a bitch in about two minutes. Nope, it's Iron Man fighting...his best friend...who is also a good guy...and is also an Iron Man. I know, I know, he's not Iron Man, he's War Machine. I'm being facetious here. I'm not going as far as to say Iron Man 2 is bad or anything, but I feel it could have been a lot better. But in my opinion, Iron Man 2 wasn't even close to being the best superhero movie of 2010.
No comments:
Post a Comment