Big Trouble In Little China - This was one of the many movies I watched a few months ago when I got really sick, but when I managed to snag the long out-of-print 2-disc DVD set via Goozex, I had to watch it again. Come on, do you really need an excuse to watch Big Trouble In Little China? It's an '80s classic! (For some weird reason, I started typing the title as "Big Trouble In Little Giants". I smell a crossover!) I mean, you have Kurt Russell with a mullet, kung fu, dudes that shoot lightning, Beholders, Beast Men, old slimy dudes in wheelchairs, what more do you need in a movie? Bonus: it also had a cute Kim Catrall before she became an old whore for Sex And The City. It really is one of those movies where if you haven't seen it by now, you need to ASAP. A
Mortal Kombat - I don't know if it's because of the upcoming game or watching Fatality Fridays on GameTrailers.com. but I've been in the mood for the good ol' MK. I still have fond memories of being an early teen during the height of its popularity and somehow convincing my morally-stuck-up penny-pinching dad to taking me to see this in the theaters. Looking back, I bet he probably hates me for that. Ah well. Anyways, the movie itself, objectively speaking, hasn't totally aged well since the mid-'90s. But it's still the best video game-to-movie adaptation we've seen thus far, albeit mostly by default. Really, how can you fudge up making a movie about a video game about people fighting? B
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation - Guess I spoke too soon. Annihilation has gone down in history as one of the worst things ever made, whether it be video game or movie related. But the sadistic side of me actually enjoys Annihilation and I don't know why. While people claim that it's just plain bad, I can still laugh at it if I don't think about it too much. For me, it straddles the line between "bad" and "so bad, it's good" and flip-flops sides repeatedly, though I do facepalm whenever I hear about "Animalities" and see the horrible, horrible CGI creatures. But that's not all! After watching this about 5 times or so, I finally realized that Motaro (the centaur that looks like Tim Curry from Legend) is freakin' Malibu from American Gladiators! So he joins the bad guy from Cobra as Shao Khan and Dexter's dad/Ajax from The Warriors as Replacement Raiden as some of the random-ass casting choices. If I didn't have my next movie for Sarcasmatron @ The Movies picked out (whenever we end up doing it), I'd probably end up choosing this. C+
Ninja Scroll - I pride myself on being a geek over tons of different types of things, but anime isn't one of them, which is surprising considering how big of a Japanophile I can be. I just tend to prefer live-action Asian cinema instead of anime. Seriously, the only piece of anime I own is Akira. But I did get a copy of Ninja Scroll...and liked it as much as I did Akira. I was actually surprised at how shocked I was by Ninja Scroll. Not because of the quality of animation, I've always respected anime in that regard (well, usually, when it's done well) and not because of the ultra-violence, which I went into expecting. No, what I wasn't expecting was a giant rock monster muff-diving a hot chick within the first 10 minutes of the movie. Yup. That totally happens and it kinda threw me off a bit. But other than that, I totally recommend Ninja Scroll for anime fiends (if you haven't seen this already, then shame on you) and newcomers to anime alike. A-
Night of the Creeps - To me, The Monster Squad was one of the great kids movies of the '80s. That's not to say I'd actually let a kid watch the movie, but instead it's a movie where the kids in it do awesome things, like befriend monsters, shoot automatic rifles and call people "homos" and "chickenshit". So when I heard that Fred Dekker's movie previous to this, Night of the Creeps, was finally seeing a DVD release after years of being out of print on VHS and Laserdisc, I figured it would be just as good as Monster Squad. Maybe even better, judging from the hype from fans. But as far as hype is concerned, it usually tends to let you down. That's not to say Night of the Creeps is a bad movie, far from it. It's very fun and enjoyable but I think nostalgia may have had a hand in most people's opinion of this movie. Trust me, if I had seen this movie when I was a kid and it would become a rare find, I'd probably hold Night of the Creeps in just as high of a regard. But I didn't, so I don't. It's still worth a watch, though. B (And while we're on the topic of Fred Dekker, I'd be remiss to ignore the ONLY other movie he directed: Robocop 3. I watched the entire trilogy straight through on Netflix while I was sick. Obviously, 3 wasn't as good as 2 and hardly any movie will ever be as good as 1. But still, I kinda liked it. I don't get the hate. Come on, Robocop commandeers A PIMP CAR! Erase the hate!)
Young Einstein - I remember watching this when I was younger on video and even then, I still heard about how bad this movie was and kinda forgot about it over time. But a few weeks ago, I was having a movie discussion with my friends and Young Einstein came up, and my friends talked about it like it was a misunderstood classic. So when I found it online for like $5, I decided to grab it. Let me tell you, this wasn't a case where nostalgia tinted my opinion of something, whether good or bad. Young Einstein was as bad as I remember. Well, it's not really "bad" as it is just plain boring. There were a few chuckles here and there but no real gags or quotes that I can remember after watching it a week or so ago. So, yeah, it hasn't held up. And Yahoo Serious hasn't been seen since. D+
Puppet Master 1-3 - Picked this up in the Wal-Mart $5 a while back and, though I remember the franchise (which I still think runs today, with probably as many installments that rivals The Land Before Time series), I've never seen any of these movies. And probably for good reason, because they kinda suck. Well, except for the novelty value of watching puppets kill people. In the first movie, a bunch of psychics go to a hotel and get killed by puppets. That's about it. The "hero" doesn't even do anything. Literally. The bad guy who ends up controlling the puppets gets cocky and treats them like crap so the puppets turn on him and kill him. I'm sure there are plenty of other examples where the so-called "hero" doesn't do a damn thing to save the day, or even advance the plot, but I can't think of any. Then, in the second movie, the original Puppet Master (who died at the beginning of the first movie) comes back from the dead all bandaged up like the Invisible Man. I actually kinda liked Puppet Master 2 as it embraced the inherent silliness of possessed puppets that kill. In the first movie, there were a few moments where all it took to stop the puppets from killing was to just pick them up and throw them, which never failed to make me laugh. In 2, they kinda said "Yeah, this is a B movie. So what?" and went with it. And then in Puppet Master 3, they try to make a sort of universe for the characters by making a prequel, which I thought was kinda cool until I noticed some huge-ass plotholes. For one, you find out in 3 that the Leech Woman puppet was actually possessed by the soul of the Puppet Master's wife who was murdered by Nazis, but when she dies in 2, the Puppet Master couldn't care less. That needs a bit of retconning there. Also, you find out in 3 that the rest of the puppets are also possessed by the souls of other Jews murdered by Nazi and at the end, they hype up Puppet Master 4 with the tagline "When Bad Puppets Turn Good". Ok, they were bad in 1 and 2...but 3 took place before either of them, so wouldn't it be "When Good Puppets Turn Bad". And really, are they all that evil? They only kill whoever the Puppet Master tells them to kill, so really it's the Puppet Master who is evil and the puppets are...well, puppets.
Holy crap, I can't believe I'm starting to try to intellectualize the freakin' Puppet Master series. Ah well. Anyways, 1 kinda sucked other than the death scenes, 2 was alright and 3 was OK but just made things confusing for everyone. Overall, I'll just give the 3 movies an average of C.
Also, if you didn't know and/or aren't a wrestling nerd like me, the biggest event of the year, Wrestlemania 27, is tomorrow night. I'm going to be watching it with some of the Sarcasmatron @ The Movies crew (and possibly recording our reactions for a podcast, so keep an eye out for that) so I figured I'd psych myself up a bit by running down the card and giving my predictions for the show.
Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes - Honestly, Cody Rhodes would benefit more from a win at this point than Mysterio would. Though I don't watch Smackdown much, his "Dashing" gimmick has been getting over with the crowd and a big win at Wrestlemania would help it take off. As for Rey, I'm mostly wondering what kind of outfit he'll wear this year. I'm gonna guess/hope it'll be Tron-themed. Winner: Cody Rhodes
United States Championship Match - Sheamus (c) vs Daniel Bryan - As much as I like Daniel Bryan, I don't picture him getting the US title back tomorrow night. Much like Sheamus last year, I kinda believe that the WWE doesn't want to give their young stars a big win at their first Wrestlemania. Plus, Sheamus just won the belt a few weeks ago so hot-shotting it back to Bryan would be a bit pointless. Let's just hope Sheamus doesn't rip off Daniel Bryan's head and fuck his girlfriend. Winner: Sheamus
The Corre vs The Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella and
Randy Orton vs CM Punk - As big of a CM Punk mark as I am and as much as I don't like Randy Orton, I don't see Punk coming out of this match the winner. Oh believe me, if Punk ends up winning, then consider me the happiest man in the world. But Orton is so over with the crowd (I have no idea why) that not having him win at Wrestlemania would be kinda dumb. But a Punk win would solidify him as a major heel for years to come. And if Punk doesn't win, their feud would be kinda one-sided as Orton has gotten the better of him, save for the past few weeks. Hmmm... I'm still gonna go with Orton but I hope I'm wrong. Winner: Randy Orton
John Morrison, Trish Stratus and Snooki vs Dolph Ziggler and Lay-Cool - Yeah, they actually got Snooki wrestling a match to get more mainstream media coverage. No way they're going to let her team lose. As long as Morrison and Ziggler get an opportunity to show what they can do, I'll be happy. If Trish or Layla have a wardrobe malfunction, I'll be even happier. And if Dolph Ziggler re-enacts Jersey Shore history by Falcon Punching Snookie in the face, I'll be the happiest man in the world, like if CM Punk managed to beat Randy Orton. Winners: John Morrison, Trish Stratus and Snooki
Jerry Lawler vs Michael Cole - Special Guest Referee: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin - If you had told me at this time last year that Michael Cole would not only be, arguably, the company's biggest heel but also entertaining at doing it, I would have laughed in your face. But with all the heat that Cole is getting from the crowd, there would be no reason to expect anything else than an ass-kicking by Jerry Lawler...and possibly from Stone Cold as well. Winner: Jerry Lawler
World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs Alberto Del Rio - This is probably the one match where I couldn't pick out a clear-cut winner right away. They are pushing Del Rio awfully hard but I do think it's too soon for him to win a major title at Wrestlemania. He hasn't even wrestled for the WWE for a whole year yet. When I went to Raw last year, he lost a dark match to Goldust! However, Edge as a face is so boring to me and, despite his multiple title reigns, it only seems like he's held the belt for a combined total of a week. But Alberto Del Rio winning the belt would be a shocking Wrestlemania moment, much like how he won the Royal Rumble. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and pick Del Rio. Plus it'd be nice to say that the guy I saw lose to Goldust in a dark match less than a year ago won the World title. Winner: Alberto Del Rio
No Holds Barred Match - The Undertaker vs Triple H - Even with the streak and the hype behind this match, I honestly don't care about this match one bit. I'm not a Triple H fan by any means and I'm kinda worn out on Taker as well. Also, I remember them having a match at King of the Ring 2002 (I think) where all they did was punch and kick each other for half an hour. It was literally the most boring match I've ever seen in my life. And I really doubt that it'll be much different almost ten years later. They made it a No Holds Barred Match because Taker is so banged up that he won't be able to really wrestle, so I'm dreading more punching and kicking. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't acknowledge Taker being so banged up and practically ready to retire this past Monday on Raw, so that definitely reinforced my opinion that he should hang it up soon. Oh, and thanks to that same segment on Raw, the main person I care about in a match between The Undertaker and Triple H...is Shawn Michaels. That just doesn't seem right to me. Nevertheless, I'd like to think that the legendary streak will remain unbroken. It just remains to be seen if Triple H wants to be the kind of douchebag to break the streak. I think he has enough respect for the business that he won't. Winner: The Undertaker
WWE Heavyweight Championship Match - The Miz (c) vs John Cena - Cena wins. Cena always wins. But there is a part of me that hopes The Miz squeaks his way out of Wrestlemania with the title intact. Between Cena and The Rock's involvement, he has been so overshadowed...but the "smart mark" part of me kinda wants to believe that was intentional, so if The Miz were to win, it'd be all the more shocking. I'd go so far to say that if Miz vs Cena ended up not being the true main event of the show, Miz would win. But if this does end up being the main event match, then you kinda have to have Cena win to end Wrestlemania on a high note and send the kids home happy. Winner: John Cena
Oh, in one final note, seems I was a bit presumptuous in saying that there's no decent music coming in 2011. I did manage to find a few upcoming releases, though nothing really earth-shattering. As I was shopping around Hot Topic.com for some random stuff (yeah, I buy stuff from them sometimes, shut up), I went to their pre-order section to see what they had. I got a bit excited when I saw a new Between The Buried And Me album coming in April...but then ended up bummed when I saw it was only an EP. Apparently, it's the first of a two-part concept EP dealie they're trying and I have no doubt it'll be good...but I probably won't pick it up unless I can find it for cheap considering it's only three songs. Three songs that are close to or over 10 minutes each, but three songs nonetheless. Also, BTBAM released a Best Of compilation but considering I have all of their albums from The Silent Circus on, I wondered if I should get it. When I went to Best Buy today and saw that there was no pre-Silent Circus material on it, my question was answered with a resounding no. Even if it was only $10 on sale, even a DVD and some live songs are enough to get me to shell out for a bunch of songs I already have. Also, I saw that Winds of Plague are coming out with a new album, entitled Against The World. They're pretty decent but I probably wouldn't have noticed it even coming out, except for the fact that they got the freaking Ultimate Warrior to do a spoken word track on it! You heard me! If he manages to sneak in "destrucity" in his speech, I may cream in my pants. Finally, apparently Darkest Hour released a new album back in February called The Human Romance, but since they left Victory Records and signed to some other random label, I never even knew about it. Unfortunately, I never got around to getting their previous album, The Eternal Return, so DH just may be one of those bands that falls off my radar and I just stop keeping track on, which bums me out because I like them a lot. But other than those releases, I haven't heard much of anything else coming out.
PS - I know I wrote about it last time but if you have ten and a half hours to spare, watch Horse The Band's Earth Tour documentary. It's great.
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