My Top 5 Hot Chicks At The Moment (or Why I'll Probably Remain Single)

Due to my perpetual single-hood, my taste in women has come under question many times.  Or rather, the fact that people tend to think I'm "too picky" or that I have "high standards".  And to that, I call bullshit.  Trust me, it doesn't take much to get me attracted to a girl.  Hell, usually all it takes is for one to pay attention to me for a fraction of a second.  But besides that, I don't think it's that people think I have high standards but instead, people believe I shouldn't have ANY standards at all.  They think that since I'm a virgin, I should just give it up to some random hambeast and get it over with.  And before you say that I'm reading too much into people's comments, people have actually told me this.  Stupid people, but people nonetheless.  Anyway, I figured that due to my current dating situation (which I've kept pretty mum about it on here besides a few snide remarks and that whole Pick-Up Artist thing), I feel a duty to talk about the girls out there that are currently getting my attention in an effort for you to more accurately judge me and my so-called "high standards".  Therefore I've made a list of the Top 5 Girls I Wanna Hook Up With At This Particular Moment.  Keep in mind that I do realize there's no way a guy like me would ever be able to hook up with any of these fine ladies, even if they've lost 3 or more limbs.  Which is why I'm currently on the lookout for vats full of radioactive money and giant penises to fall in so that I may become a superhero, to be known henceforth as The Goddamn Dickman.

#1 - Jessica Chobot



Out of all of the girls on this list, Jessica is probably the only one I'd have more than a 5% chance with.  Sure, she's gorgeous, which is definitely working against me.  But to counteract her beauty, she is a complete and total nerd, possibly even moreso than I am, which works in my favor.  I know that Olivia Munn is the current "Geek Chic"/"It Girl"/"Insert Superfluous Cliche Here" of the moment but it seems to me that she's mostly just used the nerd culture's inherently obsessive nature just to build a fanbase that she'll just alienate later when she goes on to more mainstream fare.  But Jessica seems like the real deal, so the rest of youse guys can have your Olivia.  You know what's sad about her being my current crush, though?  Since IGN.com has pretty much become irrelevant and I tend to get my video game news and reviews from other places (like sites such as Destructoid and GameTrailers), I'll still visit IGN just to watch Jessica host the Daily Fix.  And sadder yet, I just made myself look like a bigger nerd by admitting something like that, which you totally don't care about.  In short, she's hot and plays video games for a living.  Let's move on.



#2 - Kim Kardashian



I'll admit, I was never a Kim K. fan until recently.  I don't know about you, but I think hot girls that actually, you know, have talent and a reason to be famous are that much hotter.  Sure, Kim is smokin' but I kept asking myself "What the hell does she do?  And therefore, why should I care?"  And then my penis told me "Hey, when you're THAT good looking, you don't need to do anything!"  Thanks Penis, you truly are the great equalizer.  In fact, Kim can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.  Like, say, apply lip gloss in the middle of a workout...



See?

Now, I will make one slight caveat concerning DAT ASS, even if its her most distinguishing feature.  Normally, it does look like God's greatest creation when it's in something tasteful like a dress or spandex pants.  (Ironically, it was when I first saw her in spandex that I truly saw the light.  Then again, I'd probably have sex with anyone wearing workout gear, even if they're a mannequin.  Scratch that, ESPECIALLY if they're a mannequin.)  But whenever I see DAT ASS in a bikini, it just ruins the whole thing for me.  It looks like her ass is trying to escape from her body.  Or, at the very least, it looks like she's wearing some sort of ill-fitting diaper and if she were ever to get diarrhea, it would just shoot straight up in the air like so much water from a jet ski.  And hey, I just got like 20 more readers from Germany after that last sentence!





#3 - Katy Perry



I know I already talked about her a few months ago.  It's just that she's got that whole "cute girl next door that probably has leather straps attached to her bed" thing going on.  In other words, she gives my heart a boner.  She once claimed that when she was a little girl, she prayed to God to give her big boobs.  So there you go Athiests, bone-hard scientific proof that there IS a God and that he is good.  Since I've gushed about her to you guys enough, I guess I'll end up gushing in a different way to myself.





Aw man, does anyone have a stepladder I can borrow?  It got up to the ceiling this time.  (Hooray for horrible mental images!)

#4 - Mary Elizabeth Winstead



Even though I first saw her in Death Proof, where despite playing a dumb cheerleader she was still the least annoying character in the entire damn movie, I didn't really pay her much attention, even if she was cute as hell.  That was until Make It Happen came out.  At first, all I saw was a movie that might as well have been "Step Up 2 Honey 3: Save The Last Dance 5".  But then I saw Mary Elizabeth Winstead...dancing in tight pants...and oddly enough looking a lot like Jessica Chobot while doing so.  And honestly, that's all it takes for me sometimes.  Now, I'm looking forward to her in Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, even when I found out that it was also starring Michael "Perpetually Typecast Awkward Kid" Cera.  I've come around to the movie more after seeing the trailer (and especially since I realized it was directed by Edgar Wright of "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz" fame), but if it weren't for Mary Elizabeth, I probably wouldn't haven't given it that second thought right away.



#5 - Gina Carano



I know I've perved out enough already about girls in spandex pants and workout gear and such, but really my big turn on is a girl that takes care of herself...which is super ironic considering how well I DON'T take care of my own body.  Seriously, if I were to own a gym membership, I would just sit on a treadmill, ogle my surroundings and eat nachos until they kick me out.  Then again, the girl could probably get away with just wearing workout clothes and not actually work out and I couldn't care less.  But to take that idea one step further, I like a girl that can get fit and even a bit muscular, yet still remain feminine.  I'd imagine it'd be pretty easy to do to get so buff that you'd Hulk out (and not in the hot way like She-Hulk), so it probably takes that much more dedication not to go overboard.  Of course, there's the added hotness factor to female MMA fighter Gina Carano that she could probably kick your ass for looking at her the wrong way, and you'd still enjoy it...

You know what, this is my blog so I'm doing this now:

Special Feature: Hot Girls That Can Kick My Ass

#1 - Jessica Biel



#2 - Jillian Michaels



#3 - Catherine Holland



#4 - Whoever The Hell This Chick Is



#5 - C. Viper  (Yes, I realize she's not a real person.  Thanks for pointing that out, genius.)



I don't know about you reading this, but I feel kinda dirty writing it.  Kinda like I just bought a Double Down.  Or worse yet, this:



The Red Robin "Wise Guy" Burger.  Now there's something warm and greasy I'd stick my wang in!  I mean, "eat".  Yeah...that's totally what I meant to say.  Now leave me to my sammich so that I may drown my sorrows and wonder why I'll never land a girl like any of these.

/looks at sammich

/looks at self

/looks back at sammich

Oh that's right...it's my personality.