Each film will be judged in five different categories:
-The Plot
In short, how exactly does the plot of the film relate to Nicolas Cage himself?
-The Cast
How willing are the cast to put up with Nicolas Cage's extreme craziness and inane BS?
-Cage-isms
The lines that could only sound like they'd come from Nic Cage. Not to be confused with the fake pornstar I just made up "Kay Jizms".
-The "Cage Face"
How many weird faces can Nicolas Cage make throughout the course of the film?
-The Wildcard Category
A somewhat-random category chosen specifically for the film.
Each category is judged and given up to 5 points, or Creepy Nic Heads. If the film earns over 15 Creepy Nic Heads, it is deemed Nic-Cellent. But if the film earns 20 to the maximum 25 Creepy Nic Heads, then it has achieved True Nic-Cellence.
So let us begin with Ghost Rider:
The Plot
In Ghost Rider, Nicolas Cage befriends a group of inner-city youths in the mid-'90s and together with an incorporeal ball of light, they solve word puzzles and mysteries...
Wait a minute, that's Ghost Writer ("Word"), not Ghost Rider.
In Ghost Rider, Nicolas Cage plays Johnny Blaze, a stuntman who had sold his soul to Mephistopheles as a young lad in exchange for his father to be cured of Cancer. Of course, after a heartfelt "Totally not going to die today" speech, his father ends up dying during a stunt. Because Satan is a cheeky bastard. Fast forward to present day, where Mephistopheles calls upon Johnny Blaze to hold up his end of the soul-selling deal and become a Ghost Rider, a bounty hunter for the Devil if you will. It seems that Blackheart, the son of Mephistopheles, wants a contract of 1,000 evil souls, the very same contract that a previous Ghost Rider had denied Mephistopheles himself in the past due to the power it would give the holder of the contract. In the midst of all this, Johnny has to not only come to grips with the fact that he's basically damned for all eternity, but he also has girl problems when "the one who got away" comes back into his life. OH SNAP, GIRLFRIEND! Madcap zaniness ensues.
So what does all of this have to do with Sir Nicolas Cage? Well, besides the fact that Cage is one of Hollywood's biggest comic nerds, not a whole lot. But Cage's nerdiness more than makes up for actual reasons as to why this movie would exist. Of course, you probably know the story that Nic had changed his last name from the illustrious "Coppola" to "Cage" so as to not ride the coattails of his uncle, director Francis Ford Coppola. But did you know that "Cage" came from comic super hero and all-around blaxploitation stereotype Luke Cage? And did you know that Cage is such a big fan of Ghost Rider that he had to have his Ghost Rider tattoo covered up so that he could play Ghost Rider, lest the world explode from the meta-ness of it all? Also, did you know he was supposed to play Superman? Well, of course you did, but did you know that would've probably sucked? For as boring and paint-by-numbers as Ghost Rider is, it's probably better than Nicolas Cage as Superman.
Still, Nic's nerd-dom coupled with low expectations doesn't really make for a good movie, even for all the wrong reasons. So I can't really give this movie more than 2.5 Creepy Nic Heads.
The Supporting Cast
Eva Mendes as Roxanne Simpson
Much like Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Eva Mendes plays Nicolas Cage's token love interest. But unlike Bad Lieutenant, Mendes is not a hooker with a coke problem, which is unfortunate as that could've supplied some character development. Here, she's just a mild-mannered reporter that Johnny Blaze is still in love with after all these years. But at least she's smoking hot in every single scene she's in, so that puts her above "great" Marvel actresses such as Jessica Alba and Jennifer Garner. Still, as much as the first Hulk movie sucked ass, she's no Jennifer Connelly. Plus, she's not snorting cocaine either.
Two words: God and Damn.
Donal Logue as Mack
Once known as "That Taxi Driver Guy From MTV In The Mid '90s", Logue has found a few bit parts here and there, most notably in the short-lived sitcom Grounded For Life. This is one of those bit parts, playing Johnny Blaze's right-hand man Mack. Basically, he's the Southern-fried comedic relief of the film...despite not really having any jokes or anything of the sort. In fact, he's almost a straight-man to Nic Cage's craziness. But still, he's funnier than Larry The Cable Guy. Oh yeah, he dies.
Oddly enough, he looks like one of my friends in this pic.
Wes Bentley as Blackheart
Perhaps better known as "The Creepy Kid With The Camcorder" from American Beauty, he has certainly stepped up in the word by playing the Son of Satan. Unfortunately, whenever I look at him, I think less "Son of Satan" and more Adam Scott, who has had roles in Eastbound & Down, Party Down and apparently every single show that has the word "Down" in the title. Oh yeah, and Piranha 3D. Seriously, every time he pops up, I can't help but hear this particular Adam Scott quote in my head.
"GOLD might get you Jonas Brothers tickets. BLACK will have all three of them sucking your dick."
Peter Fonda as Mephistopheles
I thought about crediting this with "Peter Fonda as Lance Henriksen as Mephistopheles" because that's who I thought it was at first. But anyway, here's your Devil character of the flick. Surprisingly, for being The Devil and all, he doesn't do a whole lot. He isn't really all that evil, considering he's trying to get Johnny Blaze to dispose of his son, basically just for being more evil than him. So yeah, that's about it. As a side note, what does it say about me as a so-called "movie critic" that my favorite Peter Fonda movie is Escape From LA?
"AHHHH, light! How dare you tarnish my precious hide?"
Sam Elliot as The Caretaker
Really, I should just credit this as "Sam Elliot as The Plot Expositor" since that's pretty much his role in the movie. He just stands there and talks to Nicolas Cage about what he's supposed to do. Luckily, Sam Elliot is also really good at being Sam Elliot so at least he's entertaining for the minutes we see him on screen. We also get to see him and his horse burst into flames and turn into demons as well. So, if you ever wanted to see Sam Elliot on fire, then by all means watch Ghost Rider. You weirdo.
Sometimes "badass" is not giving a crap.
Overall, I'm giving this 1 Creepy Nic Head for Sam Elliot, half a Creepy Nic Head for Eva Mendes giving me half a boner and half a Creepy Nic Head for Wes Bentley reminding me to watch Eastbound & Down again. In total, 2 Creepy Nic Heads.
Cage-isms
Really, there aren't a whole lot. The only real laughable Nic line is when Johnny Blaze is listening to The Carpenters before his big jump and when Mack interrupts him, Blaze says "Shhh...you're steppin' on Karen." But what Ghost Rider lacks in actual lines, Cage helps make up for in his overall performance. And when I say "overall performance", I mean "random character quirks for no reason whatsoever". In the opening moments of the movie, not only does Johnny Blaze like to enjoy a martini glass full of red and yellow jelly beans, but he's also partial to television shows that feature monkeys, whether or not they know karate. Why? Damned if I know!
I'm not a huge comic nerd so I don't know if this correlates to any incarnation of Johnny Blaze/Ghost Rider in the comics but it almost seems as if Nic was sitting there going "What's my motivation in this scene? Ah yes...monkeys." Apparently, according to an interview with Virgin Media, the quirks were all Nic's idea as a way for Johnny Blaze to stay away from the Devil. Because we all know that karate monkeys are to the Devil much like garlic to a vampire. Add in to the fact that Nic plays Johnny Blaze like a mentally challenged Elvis Presley impersonator, with a slurred Southern accent and all, and you have an overall Cage-ism, even if he doesn't get in any sweet lines. So I'll give one Creepy Nic Head for the one line and one more for Retarded Elvis, for a total of 2 points.
The Cage Face
Not some of his best work, but still solid. I'll be generous and give him an average of 3 Creepy Nic Heads.
Wildcard Category - Special Effects
With this being a Marvel superhero movie, particularly one about a guy with his skull on fire, Special Effects are to be expected. And while they're decent, there's never really a sense of believability to the whole thing, or rather my disbelief was never truly suspended. To be fair, apparently to keep some sort of realism, the audio crew did use Nicolas Cage's actual voice for the voice of the Ghost Rider, albeit run through several different kinds of audio filters. Oddly enough, the best Special Effect isn't even an effect at all, but the fact that Nicolas Cage actually did go through a rigorous training regimen just so he could have abs for one scene with his shirt off. On the other hand, the worst special effect shows up near the beginning of the movie, where "Nicolas Cage" is riding his bike down the highway, but it's so obviously not him since they used the worst face-replacement effect this side of replacing Bruce Lee in Game of Death with a cutout of his face taped to a mirror.
So because of that, I'll just give this 2 Creepy Nic Heads: one to give the man his props on his bod and one for...well...the Creepy Nic Head.
Does Ghost Rider achieve Nic-Cellence?
As much as Nicolas Cage loves Ghost Rider, it's almost a shame that the movie falls in the same Marvel pile as the first Hulk movie, Daredevil and the Fantastic Four movies instead of the likes of X-Men, Spider-Man, Iron Man and anything else that involves "Men" in the title. In short, not even Nic's craziness can save Ghost Rider from eternal damnation. Pass on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment