Now the WTF factor in question isn't Lady GaGa's music. Anyone who knows me knows I'm no fan of pop music but I'll admit, Lady GaGa has more talent than most people on the radio and her songs can be quite catchy. And the WTF factor doesn't totally come from her ideas of fashion, whether it be dressing up in a Kermit-skin coat or cosplaying as a creature from Silent Hill. But the combination of the two just results in me going cross-eyed and thinking "Double-U Tee Eff, mate?" You see, for the longest time, I didn't even know what songs Lady GaGa sang. I just thought she was some "singer" who just got famous for acting like a weird, much like how I believed Amy Winehouse got a Grammy for snorting coke. It wasn't until late Summer/early Fall where after hearing "Just Dance" for the eleventy-third time where I gave in and asked someone who sang it. When they replied with "Lady GaGa", I was all like "The chick with the crappy bangs who wears solar panels and dances like an epileptic? WTF?" The thing is when you look at Lady GaGa for the first time, you expect her music to sound like Christina Aguilera being gangraped by Alice Cooper, Frank Zappa and Adam and the Ants. But when it comes down to it, her music is really just standard pop that anyone with a good voice and a better producer can put out. Apparently, underneath it all she's pretty talented so her next album should be interesting? Will she be given the freedom to let loose and freak out like I believe she can or will she be forced by the record label to put out the same cookie-cutter pop music that has come before her?
The Goddamn Dickman's Boner of the Year - Katy Perry
This past year had plenty of Boner-worthy women. I've come to appreciate the hotness of Kim Kardashian, despite the fact that her only talent is to look hot. And despite Olivia Munn being the geek-chic it-girl of 2009, my <3 belongs to Jessica Chobot. But until science and technology advances to the point where I can have three boners at one time, this award will belong to one boner only. And my boner goes out to Katy Perry. I wasn't really on board the Katy train (yeah, that totally won't get misconstrued) in 2008 because her '50s look was obviously a gimmick handed to her by the record label and "I Kissed A Girl" was a desperate attempt for attention, even if it worked like gangbusters. But after hearing "Hot and Cold" and "Thinking of You", I realized that she had some decent pipes. And I'm not even talking about her rack, which is nice as well. Plus, unlike Kim Kardashian, whom I sincerely believe is a cyborg from the future created for the sole purpose of enslaving the male human race via sex, Katy is more "cute" than "hot" and thus comes off as more attainable, even if she isn't. Of course, with hot chicks comes douchebags. At first, she dated the guy from Gym Class Heroes (you know, the guy that does...stuff), who earned the unofficial title of "Coolest Guy Ever" from some guy I overheard at a bar once. I know "cool" is pretty subjective and isn't really a quantifiable commodity, but coolest guy EVER? Of all time? Even cooler than Chuck Norris, Abraham Lincoln, Sean Connery, pre-Battlefield Earth John Travolta, Dalton from Road House or Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen body, just to name a few off the top of my head? Anyways, she's since dumped him and moved onto Russell Brand, who isn't even a poor man's Johnny Depp but more like a homeless man's slash-fanfic of Captain Jack Sparrow that he's trying to sell to Beefcake Magazine as a possible screenplay. Worse yet, they're engaged, but at least she's threatened to dump him if he goes back to drugs, so I'm sure we'll probably see Katy Perry single by May, at the latest. If nothing else, Katy Perry proved to me that there is a God when earlier this year, she admitted that she prayed to God as a little girl to grow up with big boobs. PRAISE THE LAWD! Here's a picture of Katy Perry accepting the first annual Boner of the Year award (which totally isn't a Grammy), while making a face that ironically enough most girls give me whenever I talk to them AND most people make while they're trying to read this blog.
Dead Celebrity of the Year - Patrick Swayze
Yeah yeah yeah, I know Michael Jackson died this year but I was honestly more devastated when Billy Mays died. I can even put aside the whole child-diddling allegations but I can't put aside the fact that MJ hasn't created anything listenable in the past 10 years. I know, Michael Jackson made Thriller, one of the greatest albums of all time. But Patrick Swayze made Road House. Sure MJ can moonwalk, but can he rip a man's throat out while wearing sweatpants? I don't think so. I'll take Point Break over "Beat It" and Red Dawn over "Smooth Criminal" any day of the week. I'll even give Ghost and Dirty Dancing a pass due to Swayze having the power of simultaneously making as many women horny as he did. Hell, even To Wong Foo was manlier than the video for "Black and White". Even though Swayze had been battling cancer since 2008, I had hoped he would pull through, especially after seeing him do so well on The Beast where he proved he could be a different kind of badass. RIP Patrick Swazye - Adios amigo!
Broke-Ass Celebrity of the Year - Ric Flair
It's always sad to see someone famous fall so far. Actually, I take that back, usually it's pretty funny. But it's always sad to see someone you like and respect, not to mention at one time being the absolute best in their chosen field, only to throw it all away. That's where the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair is at now. Between taxes, alimony payments to multiple ex-wives, his daughter being involved in a domestic dispute and his son getting busted for a DUI and possession of heroin, Flair's private life over the past year has been in shambles. But the saddest part of all is hearing about Flair being forced to use multiple pieces of memorabilia as collateral to pay some of these fees. Some of the memorabilia being personal gifts from athletes like Michael Jordan and, worst of all, a few of his prized championship belts from his glory years including the coveted NWA Heavyweight Championship belt. So after not being able to pay back that money and not having any income, what else should he do but go back to the WWE, despite "retiring" in 2008? Plus, while in WWE, he went to Ring of Honor which surely caused a conflict of interest. Not wanting to be on both shows at once, he understandably chose WWE over ROH. But instead of giving ROH his notice, he just walked out on any remaining dates, refusing to pay back any of his advance. Once that was all done, Flair joined up with Hulk Hogan, another wrestling great going through tons of private problems, where the two main-evented a series of matches in Australia. In one of the matches, Flair's trunks got pulled down mid-match and pics of the incident went up to TMZ, which is sadly the most mainstream media exposure he's gotten in years (and that's not a knock on Flair but the state of professional wrestling itself). Now, he's just recently debuted in TNA, surely costing them a bunch of money. And worse yet, Flair just got married. AGAIN! For the fourth-time! Come on, you know the girl only wants you for your money, even though you don't have any more. Take it from this Demotivational Poster, Flair:
see more deMotivational Posters
Twitterer of the Year - Michael Ian Black
I bit the bullet and signed up on Twitter this year (Peep it @TheRyno665). Being as I only have like a half-dozen actual human followers, I'm still trying to figure out the use for it. But in recent months I've been following a lot more people than have been following me. I was originally going to give this award to Kevin Smith just based on quantity alone, but it's honestly kinda annoying when I log into Twitter and I have 35 Tweets in a row all from Not-So-Silent Bob. So instead, I gave this award to Michael Ian Black, formerly of The State and currently (unless it doesn't get renewed) of Michael & Michael Have Issues. As a bonus, his Twitter background involves him surrounded by Princess Leia, a dragon, a pink unicorn and a giant taco. Since I've only been following him for maybe a couple months tops, I'm only going to relate to you some gems from December, which works just fine because that's the furthest I can go back anyway.
"Can I accurately describe myself as a "dissident" if I just don't care?"
"Decided to get my wife a new ironing board for Xmas. And because I'm a romantic, a matching iron."
"Michael & Michael Have Issues didn't get nominated for a Writer's Guild Award. But we did win an instant Big Mac at McDonalds."
"Thinking about freshening up "plaid" by calling it "laser stripes."
"Can we please agree that the word "beefsteak" should be used to describe erotic male dancers and not tomatoes?"
"Hearing a rumor that next year there's going to be a movie not based on a comic book."
"When the blizzard comes I'm totally going to make a snow angel and then cast it out of snow heaven."
"Practical joke idea: hide tonight, and when Santa comes down the chimney, jump out and scream, "HELP! RAPE!"
"New Year's Resolution: Use more gravy."
Douchebag/Man of the Year - Spencer Pratt
Yeah, you'd probably think that I'd be giving the Douchebag of the Year award to Kanye West after his interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at this year's Video Music Awards but there were three reasons why I didn't. #1 - The VMAs haven't mattered in at least 10 years, if not longer. #2 - Taylor Swift is getting so overexposed that I'm glad someone interrupted her, even if that ended up making things worse. #3 - Kanye West has always been an tantrum-throwing crybaby asshole and 2009 was no different than 2008 or 2007. But there is one man who's so much bigger a douchebag than Kanye that I almost have to begrudgingly respect him for being so damn good at it. And that man is none other than Spencer Pratt and he will save us. When the apocalypse comes, Spencer Pratt will sheilding us from the Hellfire Meteors (C) with his Creepy Flesh-Colored Beard (TM). It takes a great man to stand out from a crowd of mildly attractive (yet devoid of all personality) females as a shining beacon of douchebaggery. It takes someone with massive balls to not only continue to be an asshole, but convince the douche-to-his-bag Heidi Montag to dress up as Jon and Kate Gosselin, hereby multiplying their assholiness tenfold. And it takes a goddamn champion to defend himself in an argument about homemade shampoo labels (that took him all day to make!) by hooting and hollering like a rabid chimpanzee. And wins...somehow! Well, I don't know if he actually won but I do know that a true winner celebrates with hair spray.
Vote Nicolas Cage/Spencer Pratt in 2012!
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