WWE vs TNA: The Monday Night Wars Redux? (Part 1)

Anyone that knows me well knows that I'm a huge fan of professional wrestling and have been since the day I was born.  But truth be told, I haven't watched wrestling with any regularity in some time.  You see, in my teenage years, the wrestling business had reached a high not seen since the days of Hulkamania in the '80s due to the Monday Night Wars.  WCW went head-to-head with the WWF every Monday (at least when the WWF wasn't pre-empted with stuff like the US Open) and for a good couple years, wrestling fans were in heaven.  On the WCW side, you had the nWo taking over but also some great matches including guys like Chris Jericho and Eddie Guerrero who would go on to become huge.  On the WWF side, there was Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, D-Generation X and the newfound "Attitude".  After a few years, WCW fell due to bad business decisions and ended up being bought out by Vince McMahon and absorbed into the WWF, which would later become the WWE that we know of today.  But soon enough, wrestling got boring to me with the WWE being the only show on the air and I stopped watching.  Other than a few years ago when ECW (another competing brand that was bought out by McMahon) was making a comeback, I haven't watched any shows regularly.  Now, I'll turn it on every once in a while if I'm with friends and we need something to laugh at but I can't really watch it on my own.  In that time, a new company dubbed TNA Wrestling had risen through the ranks but despite grabbing plenty of top stars in the wrestling business, they've failed to gain a foothold to go toe-to-toe with the McMahon empire.  But with the recent decision to not only hire Hulk Hogan to help run the company but to run a show head-to-head with the WWE's flagship show Monday Night Raw, I couldn't not watch.  Of course, the WWE wasn't going to be outdone as they had brought in Bret Hart, a wrestler who hasn't been in a WWE ring in 12 years and who many thought they would never see him appear in one ever again.  Yeah, maybe I'm a bit more cynical now than I was then but I can't deny that history is being made, whether TNA shows that they're a contender or falls by the wayside when it's all said and done.  So, I decided to do a bit of a recap.  Due to the fact that TNA was running a 3-hour show, starting an hour earlier than Raw, and that the USA Network comes in a bit fuzzy for me, I decided to watch TNA Impact first and I'll watch Raw online at a later date, probably tomorrow.  Forgive me if this review seems a bit scatterbrained as I typed it up while watching.  I'm pretty much copy-and-pasting this a half-hour after the show had ended so I'm not going to edit it.  If you're unsure as to what something or who someone is, let me know in the comments and I'll clarify.  This one's for my fellow wrestling fans and I hope they're not disappointed.

Steel Asylum Match - Chris Sabin vs Alex Shelley vs "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal vs Consequences Creed vs Homicide vs Kiyoshi vs Suicide vs Amazing Red
Ok, so basically this is a cage match with a roof on top, but there's a hole in the roof and whoever climbs out wins.  The match is pretty much a jumble of moves that the camera fails to pick up, especially since the giant ugly red cage blocks the camera's view half the time.  Ends in a No Contest when Homicide goes crazy and hits everyone with a billy club.  Homicide tries to get out of the cage and fails laughably while the censors have to bleep out a "This is bullshit" chant from the fans.  Jeff Hardy comes out through the crowd and beats up Homicide.  Meh.  I like Hardy but he pretty much shot himself in the foot with this one.  Have fun trying to get the WWE to take you back...again.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match - Tara (c) vs ODB
ODB wins the belt with a tights-assisted roll-up.  What's worse, the camera fails to catch the finish because a shot of the cage from the prior match shows up for no reason.  TNA sucks at doing live TV, which you'll soon find out.  Short match, not very good, no one cares. 

Holy crap, Ric Flair shows up in a limo!  For those that don't know, Flair had retired after losing to Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 24 in 2008.  I'll admit, I had heard the rumors that he would show up and it still surprised me.

Bobby Lashley and his wife come out to the ring.  Wifey cuts a promo, mostly because she has a manlier voice than he does.  She turns him heel so he doesn't have to do it himself by calling the fans stupid and they leave TNA for MMA.  I don't care.

The Beautiful People (who are a group of hot, bitchy skanks) start a strip poker game backstage.  Because that worked SOOOOOOOO well for ECW.  Where's Balls Mahoney when you need him?  But hey, I'm a guy and they're TOTALLY GONNA BE NAKED ON LIVE CABLE TELEVISION, RIGHT?

Scott Hall and X-Pac show up out of nowhere and aren't let into the building so they attack security.  They do look kinda homeless now.  But they eventually make their way in through the crowd.  I must mention that this took THREE FUCKING COMMERCIAL BREAKS!  They show up, commercial break, they get in, commercial break, they...take pics of each other with a cell phone for 15 seconds, another commercial break!  Of course, some of them were short commercial breaks but nonetheless, three of them.

Hulk Hogan finally shows up with an nWo knockoff theme and full on black Hollywood gear, complete with dyed beard.  TOTALLY NOT FORESHADOWING!  Even though I'm not even a Nielsen viewer and USA's picture is totally fuzzy, I'm thinking of switching over to Raw just to spite TNA right now.  So...I do, and WWE is playing a Bret Hart history video that's infinitely more entertaining than Hogan's speech.  I change it back to Hogan joining up with Hall and X-Pac (though I do mark out inside when Hall says "Hey yo!"), only to blow them off in an effort to "do the right thing".  Kevin Nash comes out and I turn back to Raw in the middle of a Bret Hart speech thanking the fans.  I REALLY want to watch this instead!  I tune back in to find Nash siding with Hall and Pac and now Eric Bischoff is making his way to the ring.  Flip back to Raw and Shawn Michaels is coming out to the ring to confront Bret Hart.  I REALLY REALLY want to watch this instead!  I flip back quickly to find Hogan and Bischoff standing tall and telling Nash, Hall and Pac to "earn their spots".  I want to believe.  I'm literally flipping back and forth between the two every 10 seconds because I really want to watch the HBK/Bret confrontation.  Sting returns to TNA after being retired a few months ago and I still don't care compared to Bret and HBK.  I'll go into Raw in-depth next time as I want to be able to watch it straight through.

TNA comes back from commercial to the sound of the ring announcer telling the crowd to cheer.  Professional, I tell you.

TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship Match - Taylor Wilde and Sarita (c) vs Awesome Kong and Hamada
This should be a good match considering between Sarita, Kong and Hamada; you have arguably three of the best female wrestlers in the business.  And Wilde is no slouch either.  The match is interrupted a bit when a video finding the Motor City Machine Guns laid out is played.  During the commercial break, I tune back to Raw to find them running Maryse vs one of the indistinguishable Bella twins.  EL OH EL.  I gotta admit, WWE is FAR outclassed in this department.  After a (mostly) great match, Kong and Hamada win the Tag Titles after Kong pins Sarita with a Top Rope Missle Dropkick-assisted Powerbomb.  I approve.

We go back to the Strip Poker skit and The Beatiful People are all down to their bras.  Out of nowhere, Val freakin' Venis comes in and joins the game.  I'd approve but I'm kinda afraid that we're going to get a bunch of the lower tier talent axed with all the people they're hiring.

After the commercial break, Mick Foley is trying to get into the arena after a memo barred him from attending.  Hall and X-Pac made their way inside, why can't Foley?  Suddenly, The Nasty Boys try to get in to.  I'm REALLY hoping they don't get in.

Raven and Dr. Stevie (Richards) with Daffney vs Hernandez and Matt Morgan
Raven and Stevie don't even get an entrance so it's pretty obvious who'll be winning this one.  In about a minute, Morgan pins Stevie with a Carbon Footprint (basically a sweet looking Big Boot).

"The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero (formerly known as Elijah Burke in the WWE) gets some promo time to hype up a match later in the night against Desmond Wolfe (who he calls Desmond "Roofie").  But he's interrupted by Orlando Jordan...REALLY?!?  You can hear the fans' displeasure with that one.  If he and The Nasty Boys can get jobs with TNA, I think I might actually be able to get one too!

Desmond Wolfe vs "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero
Entertaining match with Wolfe's unique submission maneuvers with Dinero's speed meshing pretty well.  Dinero gets an upset win after catching Wolfe with a small package.  I say upset considering Wolfe was debuted just months ago in a high-profile series of matches against Kurt Angle.

Jeff Jarrett arrives to the arena after a pretty lengthy absence.  I must say, after Hogan, Flair, Hall, X-Pac and Hardy; I really don't care that Jarrett's here...even though he started TNA.  They also pull the multiple commercial break crap with him that they did with Hall and X-Pac too. 

After a commercial break, we come back to find Rhyno laid out much like the Motor City Machine Guns earlier in the night.  But it feels more like a segment to get new interviewer and eternal Hogan suck up Bubba The Love Sponge on screen.  Bleh.  I'd rather half Jeremy Borash on my screen and he looks like the offspring of Ryan Seacrest and Ernie The Keebler Elf.  After a brief recap of Hogan and Bischoff telling off their nWo buddies, the appearance of Jeff Jarrett cues up, you got it, ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK!  Much like the Hall and x-Pac thing, they're pretty much killing time until the next hour but they really need to figure out their timing better.

PS - Do you stuff your wallets well beyond their limits?  Do you apparently turn epileptic whenever you try to retrieve your money?  In short, are you retarded?  Then get a glorified money clip that you'll probably lose in a few days.  Ah, infomercials.

We get a word from the TNA World Champion AJ Styles...two hours into a three hour show.  I thought the Champ was supposed to be the focus of a promotion.  AJ is interrupted by Eric Bischoff, who tells Styles that he won't defend the belt against Kurt Angle at the PPV, but tonight instead!  I'd be more excited if they started prepping it at least an hour ago instead of trying to get Val Venis or somebody on the show.

Jeff Jarrett comes out to the ring, thankfully not accompanied by a commercial break.  He's glad to be back after being away for the past few months.  I wish I could say the same.  Jeff cuts a promo about starting TNA and building it up so that they can run head-to-head with Raw.  I get a hearty laugh from a crowd shot that shows a "kinda homeless" man cheering along.  TNA - Our fans our annoying.  Fan: "But, but, but...that's too many syllables to chant!"  Jeff is now listing off the young talent that he's proud to showcase...most of whom HAVEN'T BEEN SHOWCASED!  I'm sure they love getting shoved aside by Orlando freakin' Jordan!  When Jeff wraps up the love session, Hulk interrupts with a heel promo, half of which is bleeped out with yet another "Bullshit" chant.  He basically tells Jarrett the same thing he told Hall, Nash and X-Pac: "Earn your spot"...only a bit more dickish.

A Christopher Daniels promo gets interrupted by a bug-eyed Jeremy Borash, who lets Mick Foley into the arena.  I hope Daniels enjoyed his 10 seconds of screentime on TNA's biggest night in history.  The guy is great talent and has been there from the beginning through thick and thin and this is all he gets.  Nice. 

After the commercial break, we see Jeff Hardy in the locker room...painting.  Yup, painting.  All while Shannon Moore compliments him.  I guess Moore will always be second-banana no matter where he goes.  

Abyss vs Samoa Joe
It was originally supposed to be Abyss vs Rhyno (in a Barbed Wire Match no less) but that was scrapped when Rhyno was laid out earlier tonight.  I approve.  Unfortunately the match (which was mentioned as a first time ever confrontation) was kinda meh and I tuned out.  Joe hits Abyss with a chair and locks in the Coquina Clutch for the tapout victory.  Hey, at least Joe got some screentime.

Backstage, Bobby Lashley's wife confronts Eric Bischoff, asking him if he cares about Bobby's departure.  He doesn't.  I don't either.  Meanwhile, Bubba The Love Sponge finds Beer Money Inc. laid out backstage.  The body count is now up to 5.

After the commercial break, The Nasty Boys are STILL trying to get into the arena.  Bubba The Love Sponge lets them in.  I.  HATE.  YOU.  BUBBA.  After that, Kurt Angle cuts a promo hyping up his impending match against AJ Styles.  I'd be more excited for the match but there's a half hour left and we still have to figure out who's laying out these guys backstage, what Ric Flair is doing and the oh-so-important climax to The Beautiful People's poker game.  I bet Styles vs Angle gets 5 minutes tops.  Anyway, after that, Jeff Hardy gets accosted by teenage girls, none of which are overweight which is totally not true to life.  What is true to life is Shannon Moore getting totally ignored, as usual.

After yet another commercial break, The Nasty Boys enter Team 3D's locker room, who aren't there.  Security gives them an olive branch, in this case donuts, which the Nasty Boys throw in their faces.  Do we REALLY need a Nasty Boys/Team 3D feud?

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match - AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle
At first, it looked like I was going to be proven right as the match was interrupted by a masked man (presumably the guy who's been attacking wrestlers in the back) within a few minutes.  But security was able to take him away and the match continued.  Of course, TNA has to go and muck it up with commercial breaks.  Seriously, they go to commercial break after the deal with the masked man was taken care of and when they come back, Kurt gives Styles a belly-to-belly suplex and WE GET ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK!  Literally just one move inbetween breaks!  There were only two commercials in that last break but still, REALLY?  At least what we did get to see of the match was pretty solid.  Wait, was that a "booty sweat" chant from the TNA crowd?  Any self-respecting wrestling fan (which die-hard TNA fans certainly are not) know the wrestling term is "swamp ass".  Soon enough, Ric Flair walks out to the stage to watch the match firsthand as we get word that Spike is willing to run past 11:00 so we can see the entire match.  Screw you, TiVo watchers!  TNA really wants to stick it to WWE.  After the commercial break, Flair goes back to the back and a minute or so later, Styles pins Angle with a springboard 450 Splash.  Not bad but I'm sure they're saving the great stuff for a PPV match.

After the match, Hulk Hogan comes out with a microphone and straight-up calls Angle and Styles the two best wrestlers in the business today.  He continues to suck up until a security member whispers for him to come to the back.  Mick Foley is looking for Hulk Hogan but interrupts The Beautiful People and Val Venis' poker game.  Venis directs Foley to Eric Bischoff's office.  Foley's close to knocking Bischoff out as a reason to get fired but then he's ambushed by Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, and X-Pac, leaving Hogan looking on.  Ugh.  No.

So, as you can see, I wasn't entirely pleased by this show.  3 hour wrestling shows hardly work, but I will admit that TNA usually does a bit better than WWE's 3-hour shows as they usually try to cram in more "entertainment" bits (which are never entertaining) than actual wrestling or anything of importance.  Of course, Hulk Hogan was going to get all the spotlight and understandably so as the guy is arguably the biggest wrestling star of the modern era and he's taking control of WWE's closest competition.  But TNA has the most diverse talent roster of any wrestling company and that's what they need to focus on.  They didn't do that.  Instead, they hired even more past-their-prime wrestlers and shoved most of their homegrown guys to the side.  Ok, Ric Flair I understand.  Jeff Hardy, I'll take, even though I don't necessarily like it and would rather see him come back to WWE.  I thought Eric Bischoff wasn't going to be an on-air personality but whatever.  Hell, I'll even take Scott Hall and X-Pac's return as well, even though TNA is stupid to do a rehash of the nWo instead of doing something original for a change.  But Val Venis?  I like the guy but he doesn't add a whole lot to a show but sexual double entendres.  The Nasty Boys?  I know they're buddies with Hulk Hogan but one of them can hardly walk for Christ's sake!  Orlando Jordan?!?  The only thing he's ever accomplished was being John Bradshaw Leyfield's towelboy and getting beat repeatedly in 20 second matches against a guy who would end up becoming a murderer (yeah, that guy).  If they didn't bring these guys in, even for one-shot deals, they'd not only be saving time better used for guys with a future but they'd be saving money, which I'm sure just between Hogan and Flair alone is putting TNA in the red.  If this is a sign of what's to come, I'm not sure if TNA is going to last much longer.  Even if they get a good rating tonight, they have to maintain it.  And to maintain it, they have to give the fans something new and not the same old, same old.

Anyway, I'll stop there before I go into full-on rant mode and leave all of you wondering what the hell I'm talking about.  I'm sure most of you had probably stopped reading once you realized this was about wrestling in the first place.  I watched a little bit of Raw but I'll find a way to watch the whole thing tomorrow.  Part 2 to come soon.