I mentioned it in passing in my last post entry but I'm a little more gung-ho about the idea now of running a personal Horror Movie Marathon on Christmas Day. As it turns out, due to the various juggling of schedules between families as to how to celebrate Christmas when, it seems that I may be spending Christmas Day all by my lonesome. But in the words of Patton Oswalt: "Don't go 'Boo', go 'Yay!' Christmas is a time to spend alone and drunk. I spent my Christmas watching Repo Man and Night of the Living Dead. Merry fuckin' Christmas!" I may not be drinking (unless I can get my hands on some fine casket-aged rubbing alcohol) but I do have a stack of horror movies looking me in the eye. As I mentioned in my Black Friday rundown, I bought Hellraiser, Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon and The Midnight Meat Train (heh, still can't stop giggling at that one). But when I went to Wal-Mart earlier today to pick up a few essentials, I perused the $5 bargain bin and picked up The Descent. I never really thought too much about that movie when it came out but I picked up a copy of HorrorHound magazine, who ran a list of the Top 20 Horror Movies of the Decade and they ranked The Descent firmly at #2, snug right between Shaun of the Dead and American Psycho, two of my favorite movies EVER, horror or not. So I figured if I don't like it, I'm only out a five spot. Also in the bargain bin, I found a 4-disc pack of Ringu movies, Ringu being the original Japanese version of what's known as The Ring here in the States. I didn't pick that up because I believe I've seen Ringu a while back and wasn't all that impressed with it. (Not to mention most horror buffs usually blow their load at Ju-On, which was remade into The Grudge, but I thought that was boring. Maybe Japanese horror doesn't affect me unless Takashi Miike is directing it.) Still 4 movies for $5 is a pretty good deal, though there's the possibility that some random customer could've just left that movie in the bargain bin and that it's not even $5 in the first place. Plus, I really should get around to watching Let The Right One In as well but I need to stop spending money as it is. Anyway, as it stands, I have 4 horror movies to watch. Though I'm not sure if I'll be able to sit down for 4 movies in a row in one day (I'll probably want to surf the net or play a video game after 2), I bet I'll have some time that weekend to polish off what I don't watch on Christmas Day.
Speaking of horror movies, I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier, but wouldn't "Black Friday" be the perfect name for a horror movie? Yeah, I know we already have Black Christmas (both the original and the remake) but I think the hysteria surrounding the Black Friday phenomenon would lend itself well towards a horror movie, particularly one of the '80s slasher variety. Seriously, the tagline on the poster practically writes itself. "He slashes throats...and prices!" Imagine this: It's windy, freezing and particularly snowy when the early morning hours of November 26th rolls around. Winter Weather Advisories are urging people to stay indoors but that doesn't stop plenty of shoppers from venturing out anyway. Due to recent policies, Wal-Mart (or some suitable movie knock-off version) are keeping their doors open all night but the prices don't start until 5am, causing plenty of people to camp out by their particular items of value. Suddenly, all the lights in the store go out. The backup generators kick on, shedding just enough light for the panicking customers to realize that they've been snowed in. And just to pare down the customers from a couple hundred to a manageable group of 10 or 20 to focus the film on, let's have poisonous gas be filtered throughout the store, offing those unfortunate to make it to the gas mask aisle. Of course, we get into your standard slasher conventions as the killer offs the remaining survivors one-by-one. You know, having a couple of them run off to have sex in the Auto Care department only to be ran over by a car mid-coitus, killing a militant redneck in the hunting aisle as an "ironic" comment on gun safety laws and so on and so forth and you get it. Soon enough, the remaining survivors beat the killer at his own game and expose him, but I feel that unmasking the killer as Santa or Jesus who tells shoppers that they've forgotten the true spirit of Christmas is played out and passe by now. So let's have it be some Thanksgiving sympathizer who teaches us about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. It's not about mapping out attack plans for stores like a terrorist and waking up at the butt-crack of dawn to save a couple bucks. No, it's about loading up on carbs and oppressing Native Americans. The survivors have learned a poignant lesson on life and decide to spare the killer as they all share a good cry. But suddenly, the doors burst open from the pressure of thousands of shoppers out in the parking lot, trampling the killer and the remaining survivors to death and running over the rest of the dead bodies. And upon realizing that there are no employees to ring them up, the shoppers completely loot the store in the biggest Black Friday deal known to man! Fin.
Seriously Hollywood, if you steal this idea from me, I at least want an Executive Producer title on this film, a 5-film screenwriting deal with the option to direct and the land deed to build a mansion on Jessica Biel's ass. That's the least you can do for sure-fire Oscar gold!
So, to end this entry, I figured I'd share with you a gadget that I've been having way too much fun with. You remember the Nintendo 64 kid, right? The kid who was given an N64 for Christmas and promptly had a screaming fit from the sheer awesome contained in 64-bits of processing power? Anyways, Gamestop put up a gadget where you could map a picture of your own face or the face of a loved one to show them how they would freak out when receiving their favorite gift (and apparently immortalized in the annals of the interwebs forevermore). Of course, that's not what I used it for at all. First of all, I gave the Nintendo 64 kid Wilford Brimley's face, showing what happens when you call the American Diabetes Association now toll free and get your diabeetus testing supplies. Then I gave the kid some sweet corpse paint (courtesy of Abbath from Immortal), to show how "kvlt" Christmas can really be.
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