Why I Hate Twilight, Hellraiser Mini-Review and Compiling the Best of 2009

So the past couple weeks, all I've really had penetrate my ears is the screaming banshee-esque squadron of figurative girl-boners that came as a result of the release of the newest installment in the Twilight saga: New Moon. You know, as a rational human being (or on a much lesser level, a pure-blooded male), it's quite easy to hate on Twilight just on the basis of it being insipid and dumb. But I'm willing to give one aspect of the Twilight-zeitgeist a pass: the books themselves. Sure, they started this whole mess and its debatable whether or not the writing itself passes a fourth-grade level but anything that gets people to read a mutha-lovin' book, be it Twilight or Harry Potter, should be a good thing. Unfortunately, most people are reading ONLY Twilight or Harry Potter nowadays but that's not necessarily the fault of the book but the fault of the readers. Of course, I'm not one to talk. The only two books I've read this year were "I Drink For A Reason" by David Cross and "How To Succeed With Women" by some random guy.



The movies are obviously cash-grabbing trash thrown out to the curb for the kinda-homeless masses to pick through (come on, work with me on my metaphors here). But let's look a bit deeper as to why the Twilight saga ultimately fails. Point #1 - It takes a pre-established notion (in this case being the age-old legend of vampires) and ruins them (in this case covering them in glitter and hair gel). This point is a bit debatable as vampires have been romanticized since the days of Bela Lugosi...but then they had to go and drag werewolves into this mess. What the hell is so romantic about werewolves? They're people that turn into walking hellhounds during a full moon then go out and freakin' eat people and then wake up the next day naked because their clothes have been ripped off. Is that last part it? Because apparently werewolves are really half-naked Native Americans played by Mexicans with 6-pack abs. I guess it's better than the alternative though as I totally expected them to have pigtails and bows in their fur. I can't wait until movie 3, which I believe is subtitled Angsty McBloodgasm, where Frankenstein shows up with a chihuahua in a D&G purse. Of course, all of this only allows me to cash in on the fad (which the Twilight saga is nothing but). In a few years, look for my movie called Pink Zombies. It's about zombies...and they're pink. And that's it. I figure since girls like pink shit they'll be eating this up.

Point #2 - Girls are encroaching on our nerd territory. Normally, I'd be all for girls interested in geeky stuff, which is becoming more and more common lately. But Twilight fans are doing it for all the wrong reason. When Twlightmania ran wild at Comic-Con and people complained, Kevin Smith (one of my favorite directors) was all like "Dude, they're girls! Why are you complaining?" Well, wait until Twilight fades away and count how many of these girls will be left? THAT'S why I'm complaining. They're not into Twilight for the vampires or the horror mythos. Hell, I'd be surprised if they were actually into the story! Most of them are just creaming their jeans at the sight of a skinny British guy and empathizing with a drooling gape-jawed damsel-in-distress that any real self-respecting woman would be insulted being stereotyped as.

Of course, I'm not alone in the Twilight ridicule. Here's some of my favorite videos to come out of this menstru-avaganza:

New Moon done with puppets - Goes through the whole movie so *SPOILER ALERT!*

College Humor's take on New Moon - I so need one of those shirts.

One of the greatest Twilight pranks ever...even if it is a bit mean-spirited. And by "a bit", I mean "very".

Anyway, I got bored a few days ago and dipped into the movies that I had planned for my personal Christmas Day Horror Movie Marathon. I watched Hellraiser, surprisingly for the first time all the way through. I knew it was pretty much "S&M Fetishists From Hell" (Fun Fact: The working title was seriously "Sadomasochists From Beyond The Grave") but damn was this movie messed up. Hell, Pinhead (who wasn't even named that at this point) and the rest of the Cenobites weren't in the movie all that much. But between the rebirth of the Frank character and his state of, you know, not having skin at all throughout the movie, Hellraiser ranks as one of the goriest movies I've ever seen (which is saying quite a bit). Even though I've never read any of Clive Barker's stories, it's pretty obvious where Barker's talent stems from as Hellraiser unfolds a lot like a book instead of a movie. Between the odd characters and the sadistic surreal dreamscapes, I'm pretty surprised that they were able to pull off what they did. All in all, Hellraiser ranks as one of the greatest horror movies in history, in my opinion. Of course, being the '80s and all, they had to go on and franchise Pinhead in a series of sequels with questionable quality but that shouldn't tarnish what the original had accomplished.

So, that currently leaves me with The Midnight Meat Train (ironically another Clive Barker story), The Descent and Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon as the movies I have yet to watch, all of which having been released fairly recently. You know, even though we're living in the age of sequels and remakes, there's been quite a bit of good horror made within the past decade, which plenty of people are writing off as horror's dark age. So, after seeing some lists of my own and discussing the recent movies, I have a tentative Top 10 list of the best horror movies of the past decade. Of course, there's quite a bit missing like the above three movies previously mentioned, as well as Let The Right One In which I haven't seen yet. But this will hopefully whet your appetite for my upcoming Best of 2009 lists, which will probably take me the next few weeks to compile and write. It seems that in the past week or so that I haven't written anything, my following has grown to a whopping 4 readers before dropping back down to a paltry 1. So if you wonder why I'm silent, that's why.

Ryan's Top 10 Horror Movies of the Decade (That I've Seen)
Honorable Mentions: Undead, The Hills Have Eyes, High Tension, Teeth, House of 1,000 Corpses, Slither, Cabin Fever, Hostel, Land of the Dead, Diary of the Dead
10) Saw - A pretty novel concept before sequel-itis kicked in.
9) Dawn of the Dead - Even though it doesn't compare to the original, its the best horror remake out there (which isn't saying a whole lot).
8) Grace - Though it's not really all that "scary", Grace is the best at creating a mood so unnerving that it almost made me nauseous.
TIE @ 6/7) Zombieland and Dance of the Dead - It might be too early to tell for Zombieland but it immediately made its mark as a horror-comedy of the highest order. Dance of the Dead, while not very wide-spread, makes a great case for itself as well.
5) The Devil's Rejects - While House of 1,000 Corpses was basically an extended music video, Devil's Rejects showed that Rob Zombie had some serious directing chops. Of course, then he had to go on and mess with Halloween...
4) Grindhouse - I'm talking about the double-feature as it was originally intended (and I was lucky enough to see in theaters), fake trailers and all. I feel that both movies tend to lose something when played on their own.
3) American Psycho - "Do you like Phil Collins?" Really, need I say more?
2) Versus - Sure, it's not necessarily "horror" but it has zombies in it so I'm counting it. Fun Fact: Versus director Ryuhei Kitamura went on to do...the Midnight Meat Train!
1) The Wicker Man - OMG! NOT THE BEES! THEY'RE IN MY EYES! AAARRRRGGGHHHHUUUGGGHHHH!!!

But seriously...

1) Shaun of the Dead - Sure it's pretty much a straight-forward comedy (with a few scenes that tug at the heartstrings) but it's such a love letter to the zombie genre that you can't deny it's overall appeal. Not only my pick for best "horror" movie of the decade but a serious contender for top overall movie as well.