So here's my Top 5 Movies of 2009. Why five? Because that's one less than the total number of movies I've seen in theaters this year! What's that one, then? Well, I'm glad you asked.
The Worst Movie of 2009 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine
I went to see this with a bunch of my friends for a birthday and oddly enough, I was probably the one who hated it the least. Personally, I didn't really care if I saw this or not as aside from The Dark Knight and Iron Man, I honestly stopped caring about superhero movies since Spider-Man 2 or X-Men 2 (whichever came last). And even though I like superheros, I don't follow them as much as most of my friends. So I didn't care that Gambit didn't really get all that much screen time or that Wraith was played by someone from the Black Eyed Peas or they never mentioned Emma Frost by name despite giving her a focus in the TV ads (OK, I'll admit, that last one bugged me quite a bit). And I wasn't about to go into a Wolverine-esque Berzerker Rage like some of my friends when the movie completely ruined Deadpool at the end. My big beef with it (aside from being pretty boring overall) was the horrible CGI. I'll admit, I prefer practical effects over CGI but sometimes CGI is needed for unrealistic situations, like when Wolverine is flung off his motorcycle, flies up into the air and grabs onto a helicopter. Ridiculous? Of course, but it worked. But what didn't work were crappy shots of passing trees in the background during a driving scene. Or the fact that Wolverine chopping down a fire escape with his adamantium claws looked more like Keystone Kops as a SyFy Original Movie. Or the fact that Patrick Stewart's head floated like it was barely attached to his neck! Seriously! It was like the CGI crew didn't realize that Professor X was played by someone who could actually walk so they just took pictures of Patrick Stewart's head and sloppily pasted it on some other actor's body, Game of Death-style. Yeah, it probably sounds like I'm nitpicking but things like this completely throw me out of the movie-watching experience. So being insulting AND boring at the same time is what makes Wolverine the Worst Movie of 2009. Trust me, I'm sure Transformers 2 or 2012 would've taken this spot had I seen either of them.
#5) Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
I know what you're thinking already. Why is a movie sure to be on everyone's Worst of 2009 list on my Best of 2009 list? There are plenty of movies that stray into "so-bad-its-good" territory, much like the original Jean Claude Van Damme Street Fighter. This isn't one of them. The Legend of Chun-Li is planted firmly in "so-bad-its-horrible-but-thank-God-I-have-a-horrible-sense-of-humor" territory. Let's be clear, whether you're a fan of the Street Fighter games or not, The Legend of Chun-Li is god-awful to be as kind as possible. Most of the characters have nothing to do with their video-game counterpart as Chun-Li is played by Kristin Kreuk, the least Chinese looking half-Chinese person ever and Bison is an Irishman who lived his entire life in Thailand since birth...yet STILL has an Irish accent. And for a movie named Street Fighter, there's not a lot of fighting. A big fight between Chun-Li and Vega (played by yet another member of the Black Eyed Peas, I can't wait until Fergie plays Ant-Man!) lasts maybe 45 seconds and Balrog spends most of the movie shooting a rocket launcher and being the happiest giant black guy ever instead of punching people. But there's one shining beacon of hope in this movie and its name is Chris Klein, or rather CHARLIE NASH, INTERPOL! Somehow, Chris Klein has managed to channel the likes of Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage, Matthew McConaughey, Jim Carrey and a lifetime supply of hair grease into one tour de force performance. Every time he swaggers into a room or spouts off a cliche line, you just want to giggle at the reckless abandon of his acting, because its obvious that Klein has abandoned his ability to act (if he ever really had the ability in the first place). I feel that the movie should be called Street Fighter: The Legend of Charlie Nash and if Chris Klein's performance goes ignored come Oscar nomination time, it will be a crime against humanity. If nothing else, Street Fighter proved to me the true power that film really has over the human condition as one of my friends grabbed his coat and begged for the credits to roll with 30 minutes left in the movie. I have NEVER seen anyone's soul crushed that badly, let alone by a movie. Bravo and NASH OUT!
#4) Watchmen
When I heard that Watchmen, arguably one of the most important comic stories of the modern era, was finally going to come to the silver screen after having to go through the loopholes and legalities of Hollywood and practically being disowned by its creator, I jumped for joy and psyched myself up for what could possibly be the greatest comic-to-film adaptation in history. Sooooo...why is it at #4? Well, I will admit that it was a very good adaptation. All the stuff that worked best in the book worked in the movie and most of the omissions helped the entire story make more sense. But unfortunately, I wouldn't call it the best comic book movie, especially after last year's double-whammy of Iron Man and The Dark Knight. Sure, Rorshach was played to a tee and I felt just as sorry for the ultimate bastard known as The Comedian in the movie as I did in the book, but I've never felt more embarrassed despite being in a darkened room surrounded by people as I did watching Nite Owl and Silk Spectre bump uglies to "Hallelujah". That and I felt the movie ran pretty long. The Dark Knight ran long too, but in a good way. Sure, the movie probably could've ended with The Joker taken care of and Harvey Dent emerging as Two-Face but I welcomed the coninuation with open arms. With Watchmen, I just got tired being slapped in the face with Dr. Manhattan's giant blue dong after a while. I realize I'm kinda disparaging a movie on my "Best Of" list. Watchmen isn't a bad movie, but I don't know how well it's going to hold up, especially since I haven't really had the urge to watch it since. Though I may have to subject myself to the Ultimate Cut here soon...
#3) The Wrestler
OK, so technically this came out in December 2008 but it didn't hit wide release until 2009, so I'm counting it. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a HUGE wrestling fan and have been since I was a child. So even at its most base level, I was gonna enjoy this just by pointing at various wrestlers and saying "Yeah, I know who that guy is!" multiple times throughout the movie. Plus the fact that they filmed it documentary-style at actual independent shows in front of actual fans made things all the better. Not to mention that these "fall from grace" stories always get to me. The Wrestler is like my own personal Raging Bull, which is saying a lot because Raging Bull is one of the few movies to bring me to the verge of tears. With all that considered, Mickey Rourke carries this film like Ric Flair would carry a broom to a five-star match. It could be debated that The Wrestler mirrors Rourke's own dwindling and resurging career and thus Rourke could very well be playing himself. But that just means that Rourke was the perfect fit for the role and really the only man that could've pulled it off. I can just imagine how the movie would've ended up with original choice Nicolas Cage in the title role. "OH GOD! NOT THE SALT! IT'S IN MY EYES! AAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHUUUGGHHHH!!!" But seriously, with all due respect to Sean Penn, I feel that Mickey Rourke was robbed from winning the Oscar for Best Actor. But at least he was fully recognized by the Golden Globes and BAFTA, the British equivalent of the Oscars. Even though I'm treading deep into SPOILER ALERT territory, I do have to mention the ending, as some of my friends hated it. To me, the ending had nothing to do with whether or not Randy The Ram died in the ring. It had to do with the choice Randy The Ram had to make. It was all about whether he should settle down and live a somewhat normal life or risk his life just to get back into the spotlight. Randy The Ram made his choice and has to live with it, do we really need to whether or not it worked out for him?
#2) Zombieland
Much like pro wrestling, anyone who knows me knows I am a huge fan of the masses of shambling undead commonly known as zombies. When trailers and ads for Zombieland came out, I was excited but a bit apprehensive. Sure, zombies are awesome, but would a zombie movie starring Woody Harrelson, Not Michael Cera and Not Megan Fox be all that great? In addition, would Zombieland be a good enough horror-comedy to stand up to Shaun Of The Dead, possibly the best horror-comedy ever? Yes, yes and yes! I realize I just answered two of my own questions with three yesses so consider that third yes a bonus. From the opening credit sequence where zombies chased their hapless victims in slow-motion to the strains of Metallica's "For Whom The Bell Tolls", I knew I was in for some straight-up badassery. Of course, the only thing that would've made that opening better was if it was in 3D but that's what we have the sequel for. Really, the only legitimate complain I have for the movie was that it was way too short! Sure, I could spend all day watching zombies get disposed of but only having it run about 70 minutes is nothing but a tease! Nevertheless, Zombieland doesn't stand in Shaun of the Dead's shadow, it stands alongside ready to take on the hordes of the damned. And, if nothing else, Zombieland gave me faith that Bill (fuckin') Murray could be funny again.
#1) Inglourious Basterds
I had a bit of an odd moment today (which is probably days later by the time this finally gets posted) where I found myself actually warning people about seeing Inglourious Basterds, despite loving it. I've heard the complaints from casual viewers and Tarantino fans alike. First of all, there's the fact that despite being the name star and the focus of all the advertising, Brad Pitt and his crew Basterds are only really half of the movie, if that. But the main plot about a Jewish refugee hiding in plain sight as the owner of a French cinema and wanting revenge against the Nazis is pretty compelling, mostly due to the great collective performance of a cast who was up until now largely unknown. Needless to say, while Pitt and the Basterds were quite entertaining, I wasn't begging for them to return whenever they weren't on screen. Then there's the fact that a good portion of the movie is spoken in another language and therefore subtitled. It might be a shock to some but I'm hoping that people get over the whole "If I wanted to read, I'd pick up a book" mentality. Finally, the fact that the movie runs about two and a half hours and is mostly dialogue, thus it tends to drag on. Look, I'll be honest, if there's a person in this world that is willing to forego plot and dialogue for the sake of blood and violence, it's this guy. Due to my steady diet of slasher and kung-fu flicks, I sometimes have the attention span of a retarded chimpanzee. But never once did I feel that Inglourious Basterds was boring. Hell, I was on the edge of my seat more during the dialogue-heavy scenes than the violent scenes. Each scene of dialogue built towards a payoff, a release, if you will. In that case, Inglourious Basterds may be the celluloid equivalent of the Kama Sutra, working you up until you blow the biggest load ever, right into Hitler's face! Ok, so that was a bit vulgar. Anyway, point being, Tarantino succeeded where he ultimately failed with Death Proof: lenghty bouts of plot exposition that didn't want to make you strangle the characters to death. Oh, it's still a Tarantino flick. The soundtrack is lifted from other movies and characters still go into tangents about movies that you've never heard of and probably never care to see, then people get shot. But QT's never quite struck the balance between exposition and exploitation until now. Of course, a big part of that comes from the performances, namely Christoph Waltz's turn as Hans Landa. I can live with Mickey Rourke getting snubbed at the Oscars, but not Waltz. I've gushed long enough. Yeah, I may be a Tarantino loyalist but I'll admit not everything the man does is gold. Inglourious Basterds is 24-karat all the way.
So, I was totally gonna end this look back at 2009 with a look ahead at 2010 but I'm really cranking this out last minute so I can get it done before the holiday season (which for me starts this weekend). Since my Best Of Music article is gearing up to be pretty big, I might not have it up (or started, even) until after New Year's. I might put up a few random entries until then but if you don't hear from me, this is Ryan signing off, wishing you and yours a happy holiday season.
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