6 (And A Half) Reasons Why Dragonball: Evolution Isn't THAT Bad

It should be known by now that I'm willing to subject myself to horrible movies for reasons that I'm not quite sure of myself.  Sure, a part of me hates it whenever I end up seeing something really bad, but a bigger part of me actually ENJOYS these bad movies.  They usually have a charm to them, whether it be a low-budget movie that can't quite pull off everything it wanted to or a big-budget one that tried to do too many things and forgot to just be really good at one aspect.  Also, there's the simple fact that, much like child stars who grow up to become heroin addicts, I just want to see things fall apart and fail right before my very eyes.  Even though it took me quite a while after it's theatrical release to see it, I finally subjected myself to a movie that many people consider their "Worst Movie Ever" - Dragonball: Evolution.  And to be honest, I didn't think it was all that bad!  But to be even more honest, I wasn't really paying 100% attention to it but that's neither here nor there.  Sure, I'm willing to give plenty of bad movies a pass just because I enjoyed them for all the wrong reasons, but I believe that Dragonball: Evolution may be getting a bad rap.  So allow me to help bring peace to the world by making a list with an arbitrary random amount of points that no one will read about a crappy movie that isn't really all that crappy.  Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you...

  
Reason #1 - I'm Not A Giant Nerd, So I Don't Give A Crap

Well, I AM a giant nerd...just not a Dragonball nerd, or even an anime nerd for that matter.  Before Evolution, I might have seen like, I don't know, maybe 1 or 2 Dragonball-related episodes...TOTAL.  And the only one I actually remember is an episode of Dragon Ball GT where the characters are controlled by a boombox and forced to play Dance Dance Revolution and do the Macarena...I think.  I thought it was funny in a stupid way but of course, GT is one of those things that Dragonball fans want to forget existed.  And therein lies the rub as to why Dragonball: Evolution was destined to fail no matter what.  If you make something for a specific audience (especially nerds), it will never live up to their expectations, no matter how good it is.  It's why video games movies never work and why no one likes George Lucas anymore.  Hell, some nerds rag on the Watchmen movie for being TOO GOOD of an adaptation of the original graphic novel.  WHAT?  To nerds, taking something of theirs and hoping to spread it out to a wider audience is like taking their puppy (in this case, a puppy dressed up in virginity and Japan) and raping it before setting it on fire and raping it again, all the while videotaping the whole thing...then raping the video tape.  It doesn't work out for anyone.  The nerds are bummed that you raped their puppy and Hollywood is just standing there with a shitty video that no one wants in one hand and a dick covered in fire and paper cuts in the other hand.  My analogies make sense, dammit!  To prove my point further, here's a random quote taken from the IMDB.com boards, because you know there's plenty of film scholars that hang out there:

"Originally in the first draft for the movie script, Yamcha fights Goku twice in the movie using Wolf Fang Fist, still has the cat Puar (though a normal cat), fights Shou at the end of the script, and throughout the film, maintains a more brash and indifferent but slighty attracted relationship with Bulma, that only seals towards the end. Giving you the impression that he is afraid of girls, but hides it under a more fake tough exterior."

Come hither, random nerd, and let me softly whisper into your ear the meaning of life: NO ONE CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer me this, Hollywood: do you REALLY want money from this demographic?  If you really want to bleed money from people who still live with their parents, stick with the Hannah Montana fans.  At least they have dignity.

Anyway, yeah, nerds are ungrateful bastards who don't appreciate when someone tries to spread their interests to a wider audience and help them out by not being a shut-in.  Now I'm gonna go outside and extol the virtues as to why zombies should always shamble and never run to anyone that will listen...at least until I get beaten up.

Reason #2 - If I Were 6 Years Old, I'd Probably Love This Movie

To me, Dragonball: Evolution could be compared to the Star Wars prequels for a multitude of reasons; the most obvious one being the fact that nerds hate them for disappointing them and supposedly ruining their overall enjoyment of the "much superior" source material.  But to me, the main reason why I connect the two is that they were both made with children in mind, in hopes to sell tickets and toys.  And while the hardcore DBZ nerd may say "How dare they pander to little snot-nosed brats and not me, their TRUE audience" and I say to them "Hey, you masturbate to cartoons so who do you think you are?"  And then I admit that I do too and we share a high-five...but a non-touching air-five because there's no way in Hell I'm gonna touch that guy.  Not just because I'm sure he wanked it to some Bulma/Chi-Chi slash-fan-fic just five minutes prior but because he also is apparently allergic to any combination of lathering, rinsing and/or repeating.  But before I noticed cute cartoon girls with big cartoon hooters, I actually watched cartoons like GI Joe, Transformers and He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.  You know, cartoons created for the sole purpose of selling toys.  Is your mind blown yet?  WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!?  So is that a good enough excuse for letting Evolution and the infamous prequels off the hook for sucking?  Well, no.  But little kids don't know how bad movies suck, nor do they care.  All they really care about is if there's weird monsters getting shot with fireballs.  Dragonball: Evolution has that...plus Goku turns into a gorilla at the end.  I'm not 100% sure why but I'm sure kids are into that sorta thing too.  Gorillas and fireballs.  Just so happens to be my motto in life.  I should get it tattooed across my stomach, Cholo-style.

Reason #3 - If This Movie Isn't Going To Take Itself Seriously, Then Why Should I?

I tend to use this as an explanation as to why I love bad movies so often that it should probably become my #1 tenet of movie-watching in general.  Movies like this aren't exactly made to win Oscars, they're made to just plain entertain.  I realize entertainment itself is subjective, not to mention its very easy for "bad" movies to want to try to hard and end up not being entertaining.  I will admit that Dragonball: Evolution does straddle that line multiple times throughout the duration of the movie.  But really, when the opening fight scene of the movie involves a teenaged caucasian kid with weird hair fighting his Asian grandfather whilst hanging from a clothesline upside down by their toes, you can pretty much throw all logic out of the window and thus aren't allowed to complain about anything else not making sense from that point on.  And trust me, you'll want to when Goku decides to dodge an attack by sliding across the roof of a car ON HIS HEAD!  Like this:

No wait, this is it.

So don't think too hard about whether or not this is stupid or awesome.  That's how a good 85% of brain hemorrhages are caused, according to an official study done by the Medical Association of Gorillas and Fireballs.

Reason #4 - HAWT Cosplay Chicks...I Mean, Legit Actresses

Thanks to multiple advancements over the years, technology has provided us with the chance to actually ogle real flesh-and-blood women whilst watching our nerd crap instead of fake cartoon women.  Back in the '80s, we were stuck with Jem and Rainbow Brite and WE WERE GRATEFUL!  In the case of Dragonball: Evolution, we have not one, not two but three smoking hot hotties.  The first of them being Chi-Chi, whose claim to fame is having her own chain of Mexican restaurants which have since been shut down for multiple health code violations.  Oh wait, she's actually Goku's high school crush, my bad.  Shows how much I actually paid attention to the movie.  Apparently, all the nerds are mad because Goku is actually annoyed by Chi-Chi instead of having a crush on her, but seriously nerds, FUCK YOUR NERD SHIT!  There, I said it.  I'm gonna print that up on a t-shirt and sell it.  Happy now?  Though to be fair, I will admit to some discrepancies regarding Goku and Chi-Chi in the movie, though.  Take for example the scene where Chi-Chi is fighting Piccolo's henchwoman (one of the other three smoking hotties who really doesn't deserve her own write-up as she's also hot and Asian) who has shape-shifted to look like her, leaving Goku to try and figure out which one is the real Chi-Chi.  But if this movie were real and if I were Goku, I wouldn't be so concerned about who was who.  I'd be more worried about my massive erection while watching this great exhibition of doppleganger lesbian wire-fu and would try to blame it on my jeans bunching up.

Yes, I realize this pic isn't from the movie.  I don't care.

And then there's Bulma, a woman from Capsule Corporation whose specialty is apparently making vehicles in easy-to-swallow Gelcap form.  She's searching for Dragonballs as a new energy source for Capsule but really, I don't care.  She mostly just stands there shooting guns and being hot, not to mention I'm a sucker for girls that wear pink, particularly with streaks in their hair.  Unfortunately, Bulma is one of those girls that easily confuses confidence with bitchiness and spends the bulk of the movie nagging Goku and just being annoying in general.  So hey, let's go back to HAWT AZN CHIX, shall we?

Pictured L-R: Hawtness, More Hawtness

Reason #5 - Chow Yun-Fat.  Period.

The man is awesome, there's no denying that.  Did you know that Chow Yun-Fat is actually Cantonese for "Chuck Norris' Chest Hair"?  That's how awesome he is.  So why is it that people think less of Mr. Fat (hee hee) for starring in a bastardized film adaptation of an overblown children's cartoon with a tangled mess of a plot and whole episodes that consist of two meatheads "charging up" by staring and grunting at each other like a bad gay porn?  If anything, Chow Yun-Fat's addition was probably the last ditch effort to make the movie more awesome.  You could probably have a crossover with the Teletubbies and The Wiggles and force Mr. Fat to play the fruity one (Teletubby or Wiggle, doesn't matter) and it would still be one of the greatest movies you've ever seen.  Trust me, if you see a badass Asian as some weird monster made out of neon felt dual-wielding pistols and having doves fly out of his ass, your brain would jump out of your skull and go tell everyone to see this movie because you'd be paralyzed by pure awesomeness.  But instead of that, Dragonball: Evolution has Chow Yun-Fat as Master Roshi, a drunkard who has a tendency to fondle chicks, which is a close runner-up to the previous scenario I've...scenario-ized.  Plus it's not like he's Jackie Chan, who seems hellbent on destroying his legacy between starring in The Karate Kid remake starring Will Smiff Jr. and denouncing the original Drunken Master, which is not only one of Jackie's best but a classic staple in kung fu cinema, just because he doesn't want people to see A CHARACTER HE PLAYED ABOUT 30 YEARS AGO DRINKING AND THINK THAT HE DOES IT TOO!  Chow Yun Fat doesn't have a problem with people thinking he's a kung-fu drunkard that gropes chicks, partially because most rational people can distinguish fantasy from reality...and partially because it's awesome.  I can't even begin to think how many times I've used the word "awesome" in this single paragraph, but I bet Chow Yun Fat knows.  It's why he was heard muttering the word "six" the moment he was born.  Awesome.  Seven.

Reason #5.5 - Ernie Hudson As Not Morgan Freeman

I mean, come on, look at him!  It's Ernie Hudson as Morgan Freeman...kinda.  And when someone says "Awesome black actors", the first guy you think of is...well, Morgan Freeman.  But the second one is...probably Sidney Poitier?  The third is definitely Samuel L. Jackson but the forth person that comes to mind is always "That guy from Ghostbusters".  And he's playing a guy who is kinda looks like Morgan Freeman so when you really think about it, Dragonball: Evolution not only stars Chow Yun-Fat but 125% Morgan Freeman!  I didn't go to the Scott Steiner University of Math Learnin's for nothing!

Reason #6 - Compared To Edward Cullen of Twilight, Goku's Hair Doesn't Look Nearly As Recockulous.

Ok, it still looks ludicrous...that's why I added the word "nearly".  But at least Goku doesn't sparkle when he Kamehamehas and his face isn't permenantly transfixed in a state of "Retarded Blue Steel".

PS - Sorry nerds.  You know I love you.  You guys (and gals!) just need to lighten up, stop complaining so much and, you know, actually LIKE all the things you claim to like.

...but I'm still printing up that "FUCK YOUR NERD SHIT" t-shirt.  That actually sounds pretty awesome.